I have a pretty idealistic view of marriage and I think I’m learning there’s no such thing. Similarly, I have a pretty idealistic view of Christianity too, and there’s also no such thing. Of course, both of these ideals play into my interactions with the opposite sex and my quick-to-judge, keep people at arm’s length, defense mechanism that seems to keep me in this lonely zone. I do want to get married and experience a level of connection and intimacy that is a foreign concept to me right now…but at the same time, I question whether my ideal Christian marriage even exists? Even more concerning are my idealistic views on Christianity and marriage possibly contributing to keeping me single? Right now, the only place I’m “meeting” guys is on-line. And actually I wouldn’t even really call that “meeting,” it’s probably more on the stalking spectrum. I look at him, then he looks at me, then I wait to see if he’s going to make a move…crickets chirp…I might look at him again, no meeting or talking or interaction of any kind is actually happening.
So how do you start to navigate the pages and pages of men also looking for a Christian wife? Well, I scan profile after profile, letting my strong beliefs about what would make someone spiritually compatible for me (idealistic Christianity) guide me. My personal trainer just calls it “being judgmental” but since spiritual beliefs don’t matter to her, I’m not sure I trust her input on this one. I want someone who can separate “growing up in a Christian family” from “making a decision to accept Jesus’ sacrifice and offer of eternal life.” So many of the profiles I read answer the question of “How long have you been a Christian?” with “my whole life.” I want to write them back and say “you may have lived in a Christian household and gone to Sunday school and youth group your whole life, but that’s not what makes you a Christian”. I also see lots of profiles listing “being a Christian means…doing good and caring about others (or some similar version of that).” Hopefully those actions are an outpouring from a heart that is surrendered to Christ and His sacrificial love, but “doing good and caring about others” is not a byproduct of Christianity only, there are plenty of people who know nothing of Christianity who are still “doing good and caring about others.” I want someone who believes in the God ordained purpose of the local church and is already committed to regular attendance and serving there. There are likely very good reasons why someone only goes to church on special occasions or a couple times a month but they often don’t get the opportunity to explain any of those reasons because I’ve already moved on. And maybe those are the things that make me judgmental. I’m not saying that I’m perfect. I know that I am far from it and I’m not saying that because I have these strong views on Christianity and the Church that that somehow makes me a better Christian but maybe that’s still the impression I give off, and it’s seen as judgmental.
Then there’s my idealistic view of marriage, to quote The Princess Bride: “Mawage is wot bwings us togeder,” but it has nothing to do with what keeps us together. So many, many people have gotten divorced from the one they promised to love and honor for the rest of their life and many of them have been divorced more than once. Divorce has now become as prevalent in the Church as in secular society, and that is definitely reflected on Christian dating sites. So, what’s a single person to do who thought she would experience a world of firsts with her husband (because they would be his firsts too) only to find that whether he’s divorced or never been married, he still may not have waited for her. It sort knocks the wind out of ya, crushes the dream, it’s probably what’s made me a bit cynical and wouldn’t you know, judgmental. Obviously I do not have firsthand experience with the challenges of marriage or the challenges of staying married to spite a world against you. And I can do all the dreamin’ I want to right now but how would I handle things if my husband chose to cut off communication with me and sleep with someone else and do a sort of 180 turn into someone I didn’t even know anymore? I have no idea. I do sort of “judge” those with divorced as their relationship status but maybe I’m not divorced because I haven’t had a chance to be. I’m saddened at the state of marriage, especially in light of God’s example to us of Jesus coming for his Bride, the Church, the Body of Christ. I don’t think the current state of marriage is what God meant it to be but marriage is one of the easiest things for Satan to attack and thus an astronomical percentage of divorces and disillusioned people wondering “is it worth it?” Myself included.
But how do I adjust my ideals to better fit reality (and should I even)? And how do I distinguish between keeping my standards high (another suggestion from my personal trainer) and being judgmental? Will my idealistic views actually produce what I’m hoping for or will it just contribute to my prolonged singleness? If only I knew…
