A Small Glimpse

I Lack for Nothing

2012-02-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

Today as I was reading Psalm 23, a Psalm I have read more times than I can count, a Psalm that is basically memorized and not on purpose...my heart grabbed on to verse one. In the TNIV Bible I was reading from it says "The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing." Today the part of that verse that gripped my heart was the "I lack nothing" part.

If I really believed that I lacked nothing wouldn't I stop expecting God to give me all the things I want? I would probably never tell you that I expect to eventually be married and become a mother, I expect to at some point conquer my weight issues and be happy with my whole self, I expect to be successful and achieve great things in my job, I expect to be a leader at my church. I would never tell you that I expect those things, but the truth is...deep in my heart where you can't see, I do expect them.

If I really believed that "I lack nothing" why do I still expect things that God has never promised and why am I sad at the thought of never having some of them? The issue is not my singleness, healthy lifestyle failures, trust issues at work or taking on too much at church. The issues is my faith in God and my truly believing that He is my Shepherd and I lack for nothing. I've posted this verse at my desk this morning and I'm going to do my best to stop my expectations from over powering my faith...obviously with lots of assistance from the Shepard himself.

Embarrassed by Inexperience

2012-02-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

There's a lovely woman in my small group who was challenged to go on a specific number of dates in a year (to match her age) and often the dating challenge becomes part of the chit chat at our small group (the rest of those attending are all married). Talk ranges from who she's dating, to what they did on a date, to suggestions on future men to schedule a date with. It's usually a fun topic to discuss and since the couples in our group still remember what it was like to be single they often have their own fun stories to share.

I've never been one to ask my friends to set me up on dates, just figured if they know someone they think I'd hit it off with, the'll bring it up. And while I don't necessarily make myself as available to the situations that might get myself dates, I don't close myself off to it either. But the fact still remains that I've never been on a "real" date. I've asked a guy to come do something with me (in high school) and done group things with people and looking back I may have actually been asked out before but the way the guy phrased it didn't really make that clear and I opted not to join him in what he was requesting.

Normally, I am actually kind of proud not to be the type of girl that doesn't take dating seriously. I've been proud that I don't have baggage that others have. I've been proud that I don't have regrets about things I have done in my past. I've been proud that someday there is a possibilityy of my husband being the first man I dated and the first man I kissed an on and on.

But a few weeks ago (I think for the first time) I was embarrassed by my lack of dating experience and did not want to admit the number of dates I had been on (zero) to this room full of people I truly trust and value. What happened to the pride of no regret and no baggage? Missing out on dating has saved me from a lot of drama, but missing out on dating means I've also missed out on some opportunities to learn and grow and be more ready for the man I'll one day marry. Embarrassement and pride aside, it really comes down to trust, I have to trust that God is still writing a beautiful love story for me. I know there may still come times where I will be embarrassed to admit my lack of dates but I hope there will still be times when I'm proud of protecting and saving my heart.

What to blog about?

2012-01-23T16:02:00.000-08:00

I only posted 7 blog posts last year. I'm kind of embarrassed at that. I love those blogs that seem to have a unified concept and regular postings, I just don't know that I will ever be one.

Although we are several weeks into 2012 my goal for the year will be to write at least one post per week.

If you have favorite types of posts...let me know. I write this for me, but I write it for you too (whoever you are).

P.S. I don't count this as my blog post for this week.

I Probably Should Have Gone To The Gym

2011-11-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

From noon on today I started thinking about fried pickles and basically counting down the hours (5-6) till I could go get some and give in to my crazy craving. Somehow skipping my workout tonight also seemed to fit into this plan and no less than 4 people tried to hold me accountable to working out tonight. But I did not cave in (unless you think skipping the work out was caving in). I didn't work out.

I shut down my computer and headed out from work around 5:20 and I was on a singular mission...Smashburger fried pickles. I also wanted to get home as soon as possible since the work out was already off the table.

I called Smashburger on my way out of the parking lot (no I do not have the number in my contacts...I looked it up on-line). First a recorded message and then someone in the store. "Can I place an order to be picked up?" But to my dismay "no, you have to come in." Since I was already on my way, decided not to make a big deal "okay" (but in my mind 'that's kinda stupid'). Arrive to the little store to see 4 tables occupied and no one in line to order.

"May I take your order?"she must be the one who wouldn't take my order over the phone. I ordered a burger and then asked for an order of fried pickles. She responded before I got my order out..."we're out of pickles." "You have got to be kidding me (I really said that out loud and then told her it was the only reason I came into Smashburger). Her response did not make it any better "I know right, I was totally going to order some tonight too." In my head, I rolled my eyes. I contemplated canceling my order all together and driving across town to the other location but then felt completely crazy so I said "Just the burger then." I was so hoping she would try to win me back over with a coupon for free pickles next time or a basket of fries to nibble on while I waited but she was too bummed about not getting to order fried pickles herself to think about customer retention at that point.

I took a seat with my number and waited. Four minutes later a server brought a bag out and set it on an unoccupied table that a number had been left at. Two minutes later the same server brought a to go bag to a guy who had ordered after me. One minute later I caught the server's attention "Might that first bag you brought out (that's still sitting at the unoccupied table) be mine?". "It's a single to go order" he says as if that has a hidden meaning I wouldn't understand. Yep, that's me, single and still have my coat on ready to go out the door. "Oh, sorry I must have messed up the numbers." I bit my tongue and did not tell him "that's okay" because I was so far beyond annoyed by this point.

Had the first girl taken my order on the phone when I first called in I would have known they were out of pickles...I took my 5 minute cooled down burger and headed to my car. Such a bad customer experience tonight. I probably should have gone to the gym...but I likely won't admit that to the 4 people at work who knew it from the start.

Loving Myself

2011-09-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, I'm not very good at loving myself. I can do nice things for myself but they aren't necessarily driven by love. I say things to myself (in my head) that I wouldn't dream of saying to other people I love. Realizing that I treat myself with such contempt has been an eye opener. How can I expect someone else to love and appreciate me if I don't love and appreciate me? What good has being harsh on myself done for me? None. Over the past month I have become more and more aware of these thoughts and feelings about myself and slowly started to realize the influence they have over how I treat myself (from eating habits, to exercise, to sleep).

Well, no more. It's time to change the way I talk to myself and the way I treat myself. It's time to reject what the media has convinced me is beautiful and realize that I am beautifully created by God. It's time to appreciate the amazing work of art that the human body is and give it space to function well.

Changing how I feel about myself is going to take time but so far I am loving the journey. From books like this one and this one, to movies like this one, to websites too numerous to mention...pouring positive and affirming thoughts into my mind has made me feel so much better about myself which in turn has given me motivation to treat myself better (walking, eating foods that nourish, spending more time with God each morning, getting enough sleep).

"Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you. Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing." This quote (and so many others just as inspiring) from Love Your Flawz.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks a the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.'" 1 Samuel 16:7

The journey has only just begun...and I hope to continue sharing more of it here with you.

Rule Follower

2011-03-31T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm a rule follower. It might be in part to being a first born or even somewhat because I'm in a profession where I need to enforce rules at times. All day I have been annoyed by something and I think it stems from the rule follower in me. Today we had a pot luck brunch where we were all supposed to sign up for what we wanted to bring. Two people who didn't use the sign up ended up bringing basically the same type of thing which was also the same time of thing that I was already bringing (and had signed up for). I was instantly annoyed when I walked in the room. This is the second time this has happened to me for a work pot luck and last time the guy didn't write anything down on the sign up either. I'm ready to throw the pot luck out the window and just show up with whatever I want to bring, but I doubt I'll ever transition to that (that's like breaking the rules). Oh, and yes, I'm well aware of the fact that I'm being ridiculous.

Engagements, Engagements, & Weddings Oh My

2011-03-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

I'm fairly content to be single, most days, usually. I have ALWAYS believed that God's plan for my life is the ultimate plan and I do not need to worry what I'll eat or drink or who I'll marry or if I'll marry. I trust Him completely in every area of my life but I can't help thinking that I don't always understand Him.

IF God brings marriage to my life at some point I have pretty high expectations for what that will look like. Not necessarily what the guy will look like (although I assume he'll be gorgeous in my eyes) but what our relationship will look like. I'm not willing to settle for someone who's not completely 100% sold out to following Jesus and bringing others along on the way. There's some other things I'm hoping for but that's the biggie. I also don't want to end up stuck in a relationship I wish I could get out of or divorced (not sure which of those I like least). I feel for some of my friends who are in either of those situations and it does make me thankful not to be.

However as much as I trust God and as much as I will serve Him fully even if he does not bring marriage...my heart aches a little at seeing others find the love of their lives. I have friends who won't even attend someone's wedding or congratulate someone on an engagement because of how much it hurts their heart, so that's how I can gage that my hurt is very, very little. One of the things that usually keeps it all in perspective for me is thinking about some of my amazing friends who remain single and faithful to follow God's plan in their lives and the fact that a lot of them are older and wiser than I. I'm also very happy for friends who have waited patiently and God has provided in this area.

In general, my 'singleness' discussions usually happen in the privacy of my quiet time with God (or with trusted and loving friends) but attending 2 weddings in 2 weeks and hearing of 4 new engagements this week has got me thinking on this subject more. It's got me praying on the subject more too, that God continuously reminds me that His plans are perfect and He loves me more than any husband ever will, and He wants my heart fully committed to Him not wishing for something else.

For those of you who check into my blog who are single...I pray your heart knows these things too and for those of you who are married (happily or otherwise) I pray you continue finding your value in God and His plans rather than looking for it in your spouse.

100th Post-Better Be Big

2011-03-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

I noticed last month that my next post was going to be my 100th post and instantly felt pressure to make it bigger or better than normal... Incredibly, something big has gone on the for the last few week so I'll write about that.

Three weeks ago I (and my little Dodge Neon) got into a car accident. Thankfully everyone involved was okay but I had no clue what to do because I had never been in an accident before. I was frustrated with myself because I actually saw the car (that eventually hit me) and wondered if he was going to see me and then before I knew it he was smashing into the side of my car. Had I listened to my instincts better maybe I would have slowed down and maybe the accident wouldn't have happened...but I can't hang on to the what ifs.

I was actually planning to start looking for a different car next year so I decided to use this as an opportunity to just start that process earlier. After seeing my car...I was pretty sure the insurance company would total it and send me money. I was fine either way so I started checking out some cars on line and waiting for the official word. Five days after the accident the insurance company called me to tell me they would be fixing my car and it would take about 8 days or so. So I cancelled my plans to go test drive cars that night and called my Dad to tell him I did not need him to send me the title. The very next day the insurance company called me again, this time to make negotiate a settlement on my totaled car. Somehow they got their communications crossed but in fact they were totallying my car. From that point on my mind was completely focused on figuring out the car thing.

I hit the car buying hard:
Friday night-test drove at dealer 1
Saturday morning-test drove more cars at dealer 1
Sunday afternoon-drove through some other dealerships to look at what they had
Monday evening-test drove with dealer 2 in a snow storm
Tuesday evening-test drove a different color and year of Monday's car at dealer 2, made an offer to dealer 2...dealer 2 would not budge on price, left dealer 2 feeling empowered by my ability to walk away and not make an emotional decision
Wednesday afternoon-dealer 2 called back with a better 'deal,' told them I still didn't like the deal and I had moved on.
Wednesday evening-test drove with dealer 3
Thursday evening-took Wednesday night car from dealer 3 for more test driving and kept it overnight
Friday morning-returned car to dealer 3 and made yet another offer to yet another dealer who did not want to budge on price. I told him 'no' and left.
Friday afternoon & evening-Cried out of frustration with the dealers and desire for the car buying process to be done. Took the night off from car shopping.
Saturday morning-call from dealer 3 with 'good news' about the offer they could make me. Offer was still not good and I told him I was test driving something else that morning.
Saturday morning-test drove family friend's car but didn't feel like it was the 'right car' for me. Decided to check for sale by owner cars on Craigslist. Drove a Craigslist car and made an offer that morning (they were willing to deal). Had my mechanic check out the car and bought the Craigslist car that afternoon and am now the owner of a 2003 Subaru Outback.

I am so glad to be done with car buying and hopeful that I never again have to deal with a car dealer. The whole process was a good learning experience and thankfully the people around me were very patient with me as I navigated this process.

There's the big 100th post news!!

A Love Story

2011-02-23T10:16:00.001-08:00

My favorite blogger (here) wrote a book about her love story with a cowboy. I think most women who have read it (she first posted most of the book on her blog) end up hoping they will someday marry a cowboy and live on a ranch in Oklahoma.

Anyway, I had a coupon for the book store and free shipping so I ordered the book. Ironically my roommate comes into my room last night and tells me she has a book I have got to read...the very same one I purchased like 6 hours earlier.

So I'll probably have the book read by the time mine arrives...but it's definitely worth more than one read.

To Move or Not to Move

2011-02-17T10:07:00.000-08:00

That is the question...

I have been in the same cube for 3 years (that's actually sort of a long streak for me). The woman two cubes down just got a promotion and is moving to an enclosed office-with a door. The upscale working she'll be able to do there...well too upscale to mention. So, her cube is available and being the senior (in years in the job not in years of life) Specialist I am I have been offered the opportunity to move 2 cubes down (or up I never know which word to use there).

Pro: it's a cube with a view
Con: the view might be distracting

Pro: it has lots more windows
Con: people can really see how messy my cube gets based on the abundance of windows

Pro: it's closer to Eleanor's chocolate
Con: it's closer to Eleanor's chocolate

Pro: it's farther from the main hallway action
Con: I might miss the action

Pro: it's the same distance to the printer
Con: Eleanor's chocolate is no the way to the printer now

Pro: I'd be able to yell at Jared over the cube
Con: It would no longer be appropriate to yell at Wendy

Pro: A new fresh environment might motivate me to keep things clean and tidy
Con: People coming to see me won't be able to find me (maybe that should be a pro and con)

I can't decide...to move or not to move. But today I'm sort of leaning toward move.

I'm An Introvert

2010-11-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

Recently I discovered that I'm an introvert. I know that within my 30 years of life I probably should have known this about myself a long time ago. I pride myself on being so self aware and while I knew that the Myer's Briggs test labeled me borderline (let's face it I have to be a little extroverted to work in HR)...I had no idea what being an introvert really meant.

This summer I went to a seminar that really opened my eyes to the many aspects of my personality that I can now blame on (attribute to) being an introvert.

Always wanting to cancel when I'm supposed to attend a large group event...always.
Getting frustrated when my boss stops by my office 5 times a day to give me tasks (interruption really distracts an introvert from getting work done).
Being confronted (professionally or personally) and having no response, or participating in a meeting where I had no input and then 3 hours later knowing exactly how I would have responded.
Being told that I don't seem engaged, I'm aloof, I look disconnected...all of these things stem from a mind that just won't shut off (similar to an extrovert having a mouth that won't shut off-I apologize cause that sounds harsh but extroverts are known for talking first and thinking later).
Hibernating in my cube when everyone else is walking around chatting or gathering in the common space.
Wanting to eat my lunch really early or really late to avoid running into too many people.
My inability to say 'no'. Which always keeps me over committed and over worked.
Cringing when the phone rings and answering a phone call with a text message or an email.

Being an introvert, the best way for me to recharge is to spend an entire day talking to no one and doing nothing. However I'm finding the weekends are just not long enough for me to really give that kind of recharge it's proper justice.

By the way, once I explained to my boss and some of my friends some of these introverted qualities, I noticed them making an effort to meet me where I am and treat my quirks in a particular way so as to improve our interactions.

Today was mostly a good recharge day but then I think about the fact that I really wanted to do some work today...and feel less refreshed knowing I did not and tomorrow could be a busy day because of that.

I'm learning to embrace my introversion instead of hide behind it!!

I Forgot I Had A Blog

2010-10-29T10:19:00.001-07:00

Not only have I not been writing (which you already know) I haven't been reading blogs either. I have missed both. Occasionally I'll be thinking about something and make a mental note that I should blog about that. Mental notes are a scam. It's SO hard to remember things unless I write them down (it's not just cause I'm getting older either). So, I know there were things I was going to tell you...but I can't remember them.

So, hopefully I'm back (to reading and writing) and just to ease back in I think I will share with you a few reasons why I LOVE my new phone:

Ease with gift registries: Target's gift registry computers were down recently (all 3 of them) and I needed to pick up a gift. I already knew what I wanted to buy but I didn't want to do it without the registry because I didn't want someone else to think that was still available. I opened the registry on my phone and when I went through checkout they scanned the bar code- on my phone.
Navigation App: No need for GPS. Type it in or say it out loud. Navigation feature will get you there.
Access to personal email. Once again shopping, needed a gift for a party, knew there were some details in my email. Look it up, buy the gift, good to go.
Games: Tetris, Zilch and now Angry Birds. Sucks the battery life quickly but they are a great stress reliever.

I think there are more reasons to tell you but I made a mental note about them and now they are gone.

I Used to Write Poetry

2010-08-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

In high school I often expressed myself through poetry...I recall several poems about boys I liked (they're pretty cheesy), poems about people I had lost in my life, and some about my relationship with God. Honestly though since high school poetry writing has been very sporadic and often not at all.

I did come across a poem the other day though that I had written in 2007. I was perusing an old journal when I came across it. The main thing I noticed in this journal, is that the things I struggled with then seem to be the same things I still struggle with today. The same things I poured out to God day after day in that journal...still weigh me down. But I also noticed that back then, even like today my comfort comes from Him. My strength is gained by remembering He is greater than all my worries. He is the common thread through every post and daily as I turn my eyes to Him...my vision is clearer. It's a daily (sometimes hourly) choice however to focus on him, because this world so very quickly draws me in, pulls me down, steals my joy. The Lord is my joy and my Salvation.

I'm off to worship Him this morning...but first I thought you might enjoy my quick (rough draft) poem from 2007:

My body is tired
My mind is racing
So much stress
I'm facing

And what Lord,
Can carry me like you?
I'll trust, I'll pray
That's what I'll do

Show me your ways
Cast out my doubt
Show me what following you
Is all about

My body, my job
My family, my life
All cause me stress
All create strife

I'd love some peace
Assurance of where I'm going
But I'll follow your way
Even without knowing

My God, my King
Your Victory is mine
I give the sadness to you
All of me is thine

Where In the World Have I Been?

2010-08-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

Summer has been a bit hectic and I took a short hiatus from blogging...but I'm back. My written journal has gotten a bit more of my attention lately, but I'm sure you (my devoted readers) are super curious to know what's been going on. Glad you asked...

June: I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the Annual Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) conference in San Diego with some wonderful co-workers. Due to an earlier injury (to which still confuses me) I 'gimped' around San Diego, iced my feet every night and wore the lovely compression socks every day (best thing ever). Marcus Buckingham spoke at the conference, his accent is great. The breakout session I enjoyed the most was on Leadership for Introverts. Not everyone knows it, but I'm an introvert. I was able to share some stuff from the session with my boss and I think we understand each other's work styles a little better...I even presented about the topic at our monthly manager meeting.

July: Jungle bound, in Peru that is. After months of planning, raising support, team meetings, immunizations, prayer and not enough Spanish practice...my team of 14 embarked on a mission trip to Peru. We spent a week in the jungle partnering with a Compassion International implementing church partner. My church here in the Springs happens to sponsor 9 children at this project. I was able to meet my little Jhedyi and her mom. She's the sweetest ever, just this past week I found out that in her 8 years as a sponsored child she has had 3 sponsors before me and only one letter written to her before me. I'm even more enthused to write her and pray for her now. After the mission trip portion of our trip...1/2 of us went on to see Machupicchu. It was an incredible experience! I'll try to post more details about this trip later on.

August: Willow Creek Leadership Summit...by far the most encouraging leadership conference I ever go to. Highlights were Andy Stanley talking about tensions to manage vs. problems to solve and hearing Blake Mycoskie talk about his vision for TOMS shoes. My coworkers think I should email Blake because he has so many qualities I'm hoping for in a husband. NEVER would I be able to do that (hello introvert). I was prompted to buy a pair of TOMS shoes though. I love them.

Also in August we had a sort of kick-off for the high school youth group. Crud Wars. A few organized 'food' games that basically ends up in a large food fight. It was disgusting but the students loved it. We had 29 students show up for the event. We were blown away...I pray that is an indication of how the year will go for Inside Out. I'm really looking forward to getting to know the young ladies in this group and investing in their lives.

September: Looking forward to a vacation to see my family in Iowa and going to the zoo with my nephews.

Well...that gets you updated on a few of my life happenings. Where did the summer go?

The River Wild

2010-06-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

When my friend Andrea emailed last week with 2 weekend options and asked for my vote between exploring a new state part and tubing...without hesitation I responded with tubing. I envisioned floating down a cool stream, the sun warming my skin, a cool drink in my hand, chatting with my friends. My first clue should have been the multiple recommendations at the tube rental shop for helmets and life jackets, and the waiver we had to sign when we declined them.

We walked over to Boulder Creek. Rushing water. No other tubers. Suddenly aware that this would be no leisurely float on the river...I said nothing about the fear starting to build within me. Thinking the 'creek' was slightly too fast for us at that location we walked a bit down stream. It was inevitable that we would be getting in somewhere along the stream so we finally picked a spot. Looked just as fast in that spot as the one we thought was too fast, but not wanting to stifle the fun I put on my brave face and offered to bring up the rear of our train of three tubes. The woman at the rental shop told us we should be able to stand whenever we needed to stop...how bad can it be then?

I don't remember what caused me to flip the tube over the first time, but I do remember knocking my knee on a rock, hard, and my tube dragging me down stream till I was able to get my footing and get to the side. I didn't feel I had hurt myself too bad and truthfully had enjoyed the wild ride. I jumped back on the tube.

After one particular rapid, I sort of floated in place for a few seconds and then I could feel the water pulling me back toward the rapid. My tube got caught in that space where the water rushing down meets the water shooting out. I was stuck. I started to panic a little. I possibly could have avoided what happened next if I had thought the whole situation through a little better...but my panic won out and I followed previous instructions to 'lean forward'. Instantly the tube flipped forward pushing me under it into the strong, rapid water. My sun visor was pulled off immediately. I fought to get my face above water, trying not to let go of the tube and feeling the tube and the water dragging me down stream. I knew there was another rapid very close to this one and was pretty sure I didn't want to go down it under my tube. I kicked and faught my way to the side of the stream. I was panicing now...I couldn't seem to stop myself from being pulled down stream. I pulled the tube up and over my head and pushed it toward the edge so it would stop being pulled down stream and finally braced myself on a tree root and some rocks right before reaching the next rapids.

My friend Lisa saw the first part of this unfold as she had gone through that rapid before me. I thought she had seen the rest of it transpire and would know how unruly the water was being but when I turned back to tell her I was needing a break...the water had sucked her back toward the rapids into that same special spot where water coming down and water spraying out meet. I knew her fate was identical to mine. I looked away to see where our 3rd cohort was as she had just passed through and when I turned back around toward Lisa I saw her swimming to the side of the creek her tube still bouncing around in the dead spot. After the rapids spit it out and it started floating down stream I had a split second to try to decide if I could 'save' the tube or if I should just let it go and continue to save myself. I tried to save the tube and lost both of our tubes in the process.

I felt like I was ready to be done. Lisa actually said out loud that she was done. Andrea was able to grab one of our stray tubes as it passed her farther down stream and the other was gone. We all climbed out...told our stories of survival and started to walk down the path, hoping we'd find the other tube and not have to pay more money for it. About 2 minutes into that walk a runner lady comes jogging up with the tube. I recognized her from the bridge above where all this had happened. She had stood there watching the whole thing...I assume to make sure we were okay and when we lost our tube she ran to go find it. She said she had nothing better to do.

We walked quite a ways then...Lisa and I definitely afraid to go back in. I didn't want to make Andrea cut her trip short though as she was still having lots of fun. Andrea and I did end trying once more much farther down stream. While the water had slowed this part of the stream was permeated with branches on both sides and I literally thought I was going to poke an eye out. A few run ins with the branches and no control over whether I ran straight into one or not I was officially done. It took us a while to get ourselves out of the water at that particular spot where I said 'no more' and then a 2 mile walk back up the trail before the whole adventure was over.

While I don't regret trying the rapids on a tube...I do regret the damage it did to my legs and feet. I have bruises like you wouldn't believe, scratches and for the last 4 days it has felt like both feet/ankles have stress fractures. Not great timing since the next 3 weeks will involve lots of walking. I'm still proud of how well we did when walking back to the rental shop we saw several boys walk around rapids we had done. But I'm not sure I should be so proud or whether I should feel embarrassed by my stupidity...

How I Met Your Mother...

2010-06-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

My parents were here over Memorial Day weekend (from Iowa). They brought both my Grandmas along. It was the first time Grandma K met her newest Granddaughter, just off the plane from China. We really packed in the big events while they were here too. Jaylynn (newest granddaughter just off the plane from China) was baptized and celebrated her first birthday, my mom and I celebrated Mother's Day with pedicures and my parents took me to the Mona Lisa to celebrate my 30th birthday.

I asked my parents if having a 30 year old child made them feel old, my mom said "yes." The Mona Lisa is a romantic little venue. The waitress told us if we drop food in the fondue or on the table we have to kiss someone. Nice for my folks, a little more awkward for Grandma and I...

Anyway, the candlelit, romantic mood is set and I take the opportunity to glean a little historical info from my parents. "How exactly did you two meet again?" I knew it was in high school when my mom was a freshman and my dad was a junior and that for the first year they weren't even allowed to go on dates...but I had never heard the meat of it.

My dad passed the baton to my mom stating that "we have different versions". Hmm, already a little meaty. After a little look towards my dad to sort of say "watch it, Mr.", my mom starts the story. "It started with a dance; homecoming. I was planning to meet Bruce there to have a dance with him." Hold up-I interrupt her "Bruce, as in my uncle?" (as in my dad's younger brother). She smiles "Yes". "He decided he'd rather go out for pizza with his friends that night so Terry met me at the dance instead." My mom had not met my dad before this point. My dad stepped in to be a nice guy for his irresponsible younger brother (typical freshman) and danced with my mom. My dad decides to interject here and tells us that he went home that night and told Bruce "I might have just stole your girlfriend." After that there was a ride in my dad's car at Thanksgiving (which apparently my Grandma still doesn't know about) and some basketball games but when it came to going out on a date, Grandpa John said "Come back in a year." My dad stuck around though, in fact he started giving my mom and her younger brothers rides to school and church activities and such and I think my grandparents started to lighten up a bit (they had their own little chauffeur). I guess the rest is history because the story sort of stopped there.

Sometimes I don't appreciate my parents enough. They are so loving, generous and funny. We have lots of fun together and I definitely learned my work ethic and philosophy on giving from them. We don't see eye to eye on everything but as I get older I respect their opinions more and more.

Aren't they cute?

Next time I'm asking "How did dad propose?"

Pearly Whites

2010-05-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This post has more information about my current dental issues than you probably ever wanted to know. But if you're one of those people who likes that kind of thing (you're weird), keep reading.

People tell me all the time how great my teeth are...but the truth is they are bad teeth. Okay, so they chew food fine (which is a blessing) but other than that, they are bad.

I had a dentist appointment this morning and I was in a rush because I slept longer than I should have, so when I got there (7 minutes late) I was quite frazzled. Starting the appointment that way likely contributed to my eventual tears (in my car, after the appointment).

My last dentist appointment included a periodontal cleaning and a fitting for a night mouth guard (which of course is not cheap and is not covered by my dental insurance). The periodontal cleaning was totally awful and I vowed, prayed and hoped I never would need it again. I started flossing every night, rinsing with Plax (the only mouth wash with fluoride and #1 dentist recommended) and wearing my mouth guard every night.

Based on my tooth care being better than I think it has ever been (including the year I wore braces and should have been taking good care of my teeth) I was pretty sure that today's appointment would be just fine...with the exception of my filling, it felt like part of it had fallen out. So I get in the chair and she starts poking my gums (which is apparently part of the periodontal cleaning and only covered by insurance at 80%). She tries to make them bleed and calls out numbers to another lady typing them in the computer. 112, 343, 242,332 and whatever. I have no idea whether a high or low number is good but then she highlights the fact that some are bleeding...duh you just pricked them with a really sharp metal tool, don't most people's bleed? I try to relax; she finishes the cleaning. She tells me that my gums look much better than they did last time, except for a few places. She tells me to keep up the good work. She acknowledges that 'yes, my filling has fallen out on both sides' and calls in the doctor.

I'm feeling okay...I knew there was something up with the filling. The doctor ever so slightly pushes her metal probe into the center of each tooth (how on earth can she tell that I have a cavity just by that) and calls out a few different things to my hygienist. I'm starting to get nervous and pretty sure I'm not going to like what she has to say.

I don't. She tells me that somehow both of my very back fillings have come out (or at least pieces of them) and that I also have two other teeth that are damaged. She has no idea how this happened because wearing the night guard was supposed to protect me from ruining my own teeth. I tell them 'I hate the dentist' (yes I really, truly said that) trying to sound like I'm joking but really trying to hold back my tears (it might be immature, but oh well) and try to smile while she tells me she needs me to come back and 'get those taken care of'.

I go to the desk to schedule 2 separate appointments for the fillings (they don't want to numb my whole mouth at the same time) and then find out that my insurance doesn't fully cover anything periodontal related...fabulous. I'm pretty sure the cleaning I had today is exactly like every other cleaning I have ever had...so I don't know why they code it different and now I have a co-pay. They can tell, I'm frustrated and they try to make me feel better and make it sound like it's all the insurance's fault and I'm barely listening because all I want to do is leave BEFORE the tears come out. I pay my copay, schedule two appointments on back to back days, tell them it's all fine and quickly get to my car.

Sunglasses on...tears come. I felt so silly for crying but I can't understand why I have such bad teeth. I brush 2 times a day, floss once, rinse 1-2 times, avoid beverages that will stain and try my best not to open things with my teeth. I was so frustrated because I found myself not trusting that my dentist is really doing the right thing and thinking she is maybe just trying to get lots of money from me. I know I'm totally off my rocker but just typing the story again makes me want to cry some more.

All day I'm pouting over the state of my teeth and of course a co-worker tells me what great teeth I have. Figures.

Single

2010-05-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a special 'Night of Encouragement' that a friend organized. The main purpose was to hear the stories of two women; stories of how they waited through their singleness and what God taught them through that time and how eventually he provided their mate.

I wouldn't say I dwell on being single (as I have occasionally noticed others can do). I think I embrace it and live life; doing, living and learning. I still love (and on the inside and only briefly hate) when my friends start dating someone and eventually announce 'he's the one' and plan a beautiful wedding, and start their life as a wife and drop off the face of the planet and start having babies... Honestly one of the parts I do really love (but can still sometimes be painful for my wait) is to hear the story. The story of how they went from me to we. Often times there's nothing special about it but it's still so very special, especially if this particular friend had to wait a while. I have wonderful friends so usually when they are waiting a while for this part of their life, I'm wondering why and curious what God reveals in that time.

That's exactly what this night of stories was for and it did not disappoint. Twenty women showed up to the story night, that alone tells you how our hearts need to be encouraged by these kind of stories. Stories of woman who waited patiently (or occasionally not so patiently) on the Lord, spending time with the Lord and living their lives and eventually having God lead them to the one. We need to hear that at the end of this wait will come our Knight, but the truth is God has never promised that and we cannot expect that He will give us that. We can hope that He wouldn't have given us the desire for a husband if He wasn't planning on providing one...but just hope, not expect.

I was reminded last night that more important than any other way I may be preparing to be a wife is the time I spend with God. I don't understand why God hasn't brought me that special someone and I definitely don't understand why He's holding off in providing that for some of my friends...but what I know for sure is that He loves me. He loves me and He wants me to spend time getting to know Him and working toward being like Him. He loves me and longs for me to desire Him more than I desire anything else in my life. He loves me and He wants my first thoughts to be about Him and my actions and words to be a reflection of Him in my life.

The best kind of husband would be the kind who loved me because of how much he saw those pieces of God reflected in my life. I'll wait forever for that kind of husband. That might mean I'm too old to have babies or that I spend many many more years waiting and watching many many other friends' wait come to completion...but I will wait as long as I have to for the right kind of relationship with my husband.

Waiting for the Week

2010-05-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those weekends where I am just counting down to the week and the sooner I go to bed the sooner it will be done. I don't think I have ever felt this way before and I am sure that come tomorrow I will be back to counting down till the weekend again.

Most of the things I did this weekend were fun and uplifting and something I wanted to do but since so many of them were back to back to back...I have ended up with a headache and a plan to be in bed sleeping by 8:30. Maybe 8:40.

I have 5 days till my summer roommate moves in. She is an intern at work and having a spare bedroom available I offered to house her for the summer. I'm super excited to have her joining me, she is from Iowa after all, however I think preparing for her is adding to my stress. I have shelves to paint for the spare bedroom, pictures to hang on the wall all throughout the house, things to put away in the basement and organizing to do in the kitchen so she has some space. Those were some things on my to do list that I did not get to...

I might have to cut some projects...because I shall not cut sleep. Off to bed I go.

Thirty, Flirty and Thriving

2010-05-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

Two out of three isn't bad. I have ZERO skills at flirting. If I have flirted before, it has been on accident and I doubt I could duplicate it. Oh well...this post is not really about flirting (thank God) it's about my surprise birthday weekend. But what woman turning 30 doesn't quote the famous line from 'Thirteen Going on Thirty'?

I'm so thankful for my friends. They know me, they love me, they care about the things I care about and they made me feel SO special this weekend. This weekend was my surprise, birthday getaway. My friends did awesome at keeping all the details a secret including lying to me if I flat out asked them if they were going. I tried really hard not to ruin the surprise...

The weekend was perfect. Being in the mountains always makes me happy but then add in lots of wonderful conversations and tons of laughs, good food, good time with the Lord and pampering on so many levels, and that's my recipe for perfection.

In my quiet time on Sat. morning I was meditating on delight...specifically the Lord's delight in me. I don't think I accept that He delights in me and I was asking the Lord to show me truth about myself and to show me His delight. It's not outward appearance that He delights in but the inner parts of my heart. I felt my friends delight in me this weekend, specifically in my character. They made me a beautiful scrapbook filled with pictures and notes and I was touched to tears to receive it. I think that was part of the way the Lord was revealing His delight in me as well.

Too often I measure myself by the world's standards instead of by the Lord's standards. I see so many external parts of me that I am not happy with (hence the many blogs about weight loss) but my prayer this weekend and my hope for my 30s is that the Lord would help me measure myself by His standards and that I would be more concerned with the shape of my heart than I am with the shape of my body. This does not mean I'm throwing out all my healthy practices...but that I will add in more time with Him.

The scrapbook that my friends gave me has pictures from the last 7 years and seeing them is probably what really brought me to tears. In the pictures, I look 'bigger'. My face is fuller, my body is heavier. I was encouraged to realize that I have already come a long way in my personal health and weight loss goals and it encourages me to keep on going.

Highlights from this weekend were the drive to the mountains, the wonderful women who gave up their time and money to celebrate me, the food catered to my specific tastes, the hike, the morning devos, the hat game, random sayings about hair and pants, the beautiful scenery around the house, the 80s hair and make-up, the manicure, the movie, the scrapbook, the laughs, the hugs, the conversations, the gifts and cards representing 30 in some way, the prayers, the encouragement, the photo shoot, the porch swing, and the realization that I have such great friends.

Peds

2010-05-05T07:09:00.001-07:00

This week is busy so enjoying my birthday and the first few days of being 30 has been in the midst of lots of other things and maybe not received the excitement it should have. I'm known by some as an aloof person though so maybe it just looks like normal me to them.

I did do some fun and relaxing things this past weekend leading up to my birthday, one of which being my first pedicure of the 2010 summer season. I picked out a blue glittery color since I had on blue flip flops and a blue shirt...why not? My friend Karyn was with me and she picked a sort of orange-red color (I think)...I know it was also a color that matched her flip flops. We sat on the leather waiting, drying sofa and I started to roll my jeans up. Not quite in summer mode and showering at the gym a lot I realized that I hadn't shaved recently. I was thankful (as I have been on many other occasions) that I have soft, very light colored hair on my legs and unless you are touching my legs or have your face very close to them...you wouldn't notice.

Well pedicures involve a lot of touching of the legs and faces close to them. I was a little embarrassed and then I thought "I'm sure they have seen and touched worse". So I didn't dwell on it.

We soaked our feet in very hot water. I flipped through an old fashion magazine and the process began. I LOVE getting pedicures so I settled into the massage chair and tried to relax. As my pedicurist pulled my first foot out of the water to take off the nail polish that I came in with, Karyn's pedicurist looked at my leg, said something in his language (not English) and laughed. I leaned over to Karyn, hiding my face with the magazine and said "he just told her how gross my hairy legs are and how happy he is he's not my pedicurist)...or something to that effect. She tried to brush it off but for the entire rest of my pedicure I swear they were talking about my gross legs and my calloused heals (she had to use a razor which they don't get out for everyone). I think I finally relaxed with Karyn's pedicurist finished hers early and went away. The color turned out somewhat purple but my feet felt fabulous.

All of the nail shops I go to (3) in Colorado Springs are run by Asians. They are EXCELLENT at their job and it only costs $20...but it always bothers me when I can't understand what they are saying and I'm absolutely sure they are talking about me. How vain am I to think they are just sitting there talking about my legs and feet? But I know they are...

30 Things

2010-05-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Today is my 30th birthday. I'm copying friends (the best form of flattery right) by writing a blog of 30 things I have done in my 30 years...in no particular order:

1. Became an auntie twice.

2. Learned how to ride a bike and drive a car, a bus and a boat.

3. Traveled to 11 foreign countries.

4. Published poetry.

5. Bought a house.

6. Saved a girl from drownding.

7. Hiked Pikes Peak.

8. Ran a 5K (without stopping to walk).

9. Hiked on the Great Wall of China.

10. Graduated high school and college.

11. Passed my PHR certification test (Professional in Human Resources).

12. Participated in 11 weddings as flower girl, bridesmaid, personal attendant, wedding planner or usher.

13. Worked as a house cleaner.

14. Worked as a camp cook, camp counselor, program director, life gaurd, ropes course, bus driver, beach front, trash runs, hospital run, capture the flag, taps talk, Ewolk, R2D2, midnight gate patrol with no flash light, ski boat driver, rescue boat driver, kayak trip leader, camp out, cook out, tie up shoes and no bug spray, dark colors and lots of bug spray, Sonrise, Omaha bus run, burn camp, Apache girls, poop sheet, camp fire maker, post season, pre season, Walmart on my N.O., singing my campers to sleep, chuck wagon, teaching David to make kool-aid, kinder-camp, golf cart stealing, approved pranks and FOB. That was a fun 4 years of my life!

15. Held out to get a cell phone till I was 25.

16. Lived in the same house till graduating college (my parents still live there).

17. Walked beans and rode beans (paid by my grandpa).

18. Worked as a sandwich artist.

19. Never been the driver of a car that's gotten into an accident.

20. Learned to play the piano, drums and guitar...can barely play any of them anymore.

21. Nannied in Michigan for a summer in high school.

22. Tried surfing.

23. Marched (in wooden shoes) in the Fiesta Bowl parade.

24. Played softball in the Metrodome...also played a half-time show of a Vikings game in the Metrodome.

25. Paid off all my debt.

26. Baptized as a baby and re-baptized by my own choice at 24 in a friend's man-made backyard water feature.

27. Traveled to a BBQ in a van with the live goat next to me that would become our dinner (didn't know it till we arrived and they slit it's throat).

28. Got mullet like perms in elementary school.

29. Got a massage in Singapore, head shampoo in China, made bricks in Honduras, washed clothes in a river in Mongolia, survived traffic in India in a rickshaw, walked flooded streets of the Philippines and an India slum, felt an earthquake in El Salvador, and went on a safari in Tanzania.

30. Celebrated 30 birthdays.

Boy Crazy

2010-05-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

I was totally boy crazy in high school yet ironically struggled to even say 'hello' to boys. As I was perusing Facebook this evening I had this strange desire to look up some of the boys that I have had crushes on in the past. MANY of the boys I was crazy over when I was in high school were older boys and always my crushes would be very long term. Some of them were camp counselors (thus college boys when I was in high school), another college guy led a young life type youth group and another was a senior at a rival school when I was a freshman (but I had friends who went to that school so I would see him at sporting events and city wide events.

I struggled a bit to remember a few names but found 4 of the boys I used to think were 'oh so special'. I had to use my google skills and the weird memory I have of possible ages and years of graduation to find one. Fortunately they all are still very smart and have their Facebook profiles blocked...my stalker tendencies were shut down. Also fortunate is that I still can't talk to boys...so there is really no chance I'll be Facebook messaging them to confess my crazy high school crush on them.

The Miracle of LIFE

2010-05-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about what a miracle life is. So often I think we take for granted what a miracle conceiving, carrying that baby to term and delivering a healthy baby truly is...let alone for the mother to come through it all healthy. I know I tend to take it for granted, but several times in the last month I have been reminded that all of it is a complete miracle:

Several weeks ago friends of mine had a scare with their pregnancy and delivered the baby early. The baby is beautiful but it is a miracle she is alive. Everyday there are little improvements and it's still unclear what her life might look like...but having life is the miracle and she is beautiful (did I say that already). Anyway her story can be found here.
On the news a few Friday's ago there was a follow story on Eliot who only lived for 99 days. His parents can tell you what a miracle he was and the way their lives changed having him. The follow up story was talking about their other two healthy children but the impact Eliot has had and continues to have on all their lives.
Just last Sunday a dear friend shared that she is pregnant. This may not necessarily seem like such a miracle but she has been trying to get pregnant for over 5 years. We are praising God because her pregnancy is a miracle to us. We're praying that that miracle carries through to a healthy baby.

There are so many other stories to share, even of how my own nephew struggled in his first few days of life.

But the conversation that really got me praying this week was a conversation I was not even part of. I (along with several other people I didn't know) was copied on a forward about an abortion movie. The sender is an acquaintance and I didn't even look at the forward. But a woman who is pro choice responded to that forward, another woman who is pro life responded to her and the pro choice woman responded back. Reading their emails felt like an invasion as they both passionately shared statistics and personal experiences for why they felt the way they did on the subject and I was left with the thought 'all life is a miracle just because the mother chooses to give it.' Conceiving was a miracle but before jumping to carrying the baby to term I need to add in choosing to give life is part of the miracle too. I am VERY pro life and I believe in EVERY instance IT is a miracle. We never know what God might be doing and so I want Him to be the one making the choices about lives.

Evangelicals, Such a Mystery

2010-04-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

So, I was home sick today and between sleeping I finished reading this book. I think I got it from the library because it was on Oprah's top 10 books for the month of March or something like that and I was curious what a non-Christian's perspective on evangelical Christians would look like. The author, a self proclaimed Atheist, spent 2 years undercover in an evangelical mega-church, going forward during an alter call, getting baptized, even going on an evangelism mission trip and helping a young girl understand what it meant to accept Jesus Christ and become a follower of Christ.

At the beginning of the book I found myself hoping that the experience actually changed her heart and took her from 'faking' Christianity to genuine belief herself. I even looked in the back of the book early on to see if I could tell whether that happened or not. Nothing stuck out and the farther I got in the book the more my heart fell and broke for her. This woman spent two years sitting in church, attending Sunday school, worshiping and interacting with other Christians and nothing penetrated her heart or drew her into a relationship with the Lord.

That's it...that's why she still doesn't get it. She was going through the 'Christian motions' and never actually talking or listening to God. She never truly understood His love for her. I finished the book very sad for her...wishing her epilogue had included a follow up story of how her experience 'undercover' actually convinced her there was a God and that He loved her enough to save her. But what kind of atheist would she be then?

Intrigued, I was curious what other Christians were feeling about the book. I didn't spend a lot of time looking but came across this article. At the end she said that even if she hadn't been raised Atheist and had become a Christian at some point in this experience, she'd be believing something that wasn't true. Heartbreaking. She held back so much and kept certain parts of herself closed off during her undercover years that even if a part of her wanted to believe I think she would have just pushed that away and chose to ignore it. I'm praying the Lord will become real and true to her at some point in her life.

I'm Back!

2010-04-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Back to blogging after about 3 weeks and more importantly back to losing weight.

I saw a new doctor last week who specializes in PCOS and it was refreshing. He was able to tell me how PCOS affects my body and why I seem to have an extra hard time losing weight. The PCOS contributes to me being insulin resistant and basically my cells have no idea what to do with the carbs I eat so my body just turns them to fat...whether I eat a lot or a little. He told me that I likely will not be able to lose and keep off weight just by diet and exercise (which I already know from personal experience) so he put me on some prescriptions to help my body learn what it needs to be doing (because it's confused).

I have NEVER been one to want to take medications of any kind but since I finally have someone who is able to explain things to me and basically told me that what I'm currently doing will never fully work for me...I decided to give the meds a try. The only side affect so far is that if I do eat too many carbs my body won't like it and will try to get rid of them fast (use your imagination). That will just remind me to keep the carbs low.

The nutritionist who works with this doctor told me I need to eat twice as much protein as carbs (100g vs 50g). So far even on my very best eating day...I have not been able to do this but it's a journey and it's for life...so I will keep trying everyday.

Weight Watchers at work was actually delayed and just started last week. It's sort of tricky to stay within my points when eating low carb-high protein because high protein also tends to mean higher fat. But I need to just focus on healthy eating and not be too concerned about my 'points' as long as I'm losing which I am.

It's Been a Great Week!

2010-03-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

I had much needed talk with someone that has totally lifted some stress I've been feeling for a while. The talk was not as hard as I thought it would be, I did cry but I think that was release from emotions I had been holding in. Everything is not necessarily 'solved' but we are headed in a good direction. Unfortunately I cannot take credit for initiating the conversation but it's fine...I'm glad it happened.

On the health front I'm so excited about the 'victories' I have had this week. I've worked out every night (Mon-Thurs) and have been eating healthy and it shows on the scale. Mostly this week it has been about portion control. I even let myself indulge with pancakes drizzled in agave nectar and sprinkled with powder sugar...and I still lost weight.

My body is a strange, strange thing and I get tired just trying to understand it. I'm celebrating the victories this week and looking forward to an active yet relaxing weekend!

In other AWESOME news...my new cousin Jaylynn is home. She smiles non-stop and I have yet to hear her throw down any thing even remotely resembling a tantrum. She's beautiful and she's part of our family now.

5:00 AM Wake Up Call

2010-03-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I am not alone in this...day light savings time kicks me hard. So what better way to 'deal' with this lovely little 1 hour clock change, you wonder? If you thought...sleep more, you're probably right but I have chosen the less traveled path and chose 5:30 a.m. work outs. Surprisingly I have pulled it off 3 mornings this week. It hasn't been that tough to drag myself out of bed at 5:00 a.m. and as long as I do a lot of pre-work the night before I can be driving away from my house around 5:25. I kind of like it. I don't think I'll switch all my work outs to morning (I like working out with friends when I can) but maybe 3 times a week will be my magic number.

Now if I could just carry that discipline into the rest of my day...yesterday morning I ate donuts (as in plural but I won't tell you how many) and today I have eaten more chocolate than I can even keep count of (starting at about 9:00 a.m.). The kicker is, neither the donuts or the chocolate are anything to rave about...

One step forward, two steps back. I am totally aware of the fact that this is a journey, a very, very long journey and I need to take it a step at a time. But I need some 'victories' once in a while...

I never meant for this blog to become totally about weight loss but what ever is on my mind is what's on the blog and weight loss is on the mind, all the time.

But just for kicks, let me throw in something fun I have to share that is not related to weight loss. My aunt and uncle are right now in China picking up their new daughter, Jaylynn. They have been on this little adoption journey for 4 years and I'm so excited they are finally bringing her home. She is going to be such a blessing to our family. If you want to see more check out their blog (here).

And the Weight Wins Again

2010-03-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

I feel like my weight and I are constantly in battle. I win some and the weight wins some. In my quest to give up sugar and grains and attempt to lose some of my enemy, the weight...my enemy won.

The 30 days are up and I did a pretty poor job of following what was supposed to be my big life changing, body-altering challenge. I had some of the strangest 'binges' I have ever had during this 30 day challenge and I ended up 1 pound heavier than when I started the 30 days. I'm a bit embarrassed, very defeated and feeling once again that I might never be able to do this.

I turn 30 in May and for the last year I have been set on jumping out of a plane for my birthday. I've been telling everyone and getting more and more excited. I just read all the information on-line from this one particular sky diving business and part way through I read that jumpers must weight around 215. There can be exceptions made but that's where the instructors prefer the weight to be. I'm 18 pounds over that right now. It's embarrassing...I don't want them to have to make an exception for me. I won't to have to go back to my friends and tell them why I'm changing my mind about my 30th birthday goal. I don't know if I can lose 18 pounds by May...I don't think I can. But I might try.

We're starting weight watchers at work next week and I signed up. The eating plan is much less rigid so maybe I can actually stick with it. I feel like I jump from plan to plan all the time...but I guess that's what I have to do to find what will work for me.

Brownies

2010-03-02T08:56:00.001-08:00

I made brownies last night at 9:30 p.m. and I didn't even wait for them to finish cooking...I scooped some out and ate it in a bowl warm and gooey (I am much more of a batter lover than the actual finished brownie, cake or cookie).

I feel foolish telling you this, but this is the year of speaking the truth (even if it is embarrassing).

I had some brownies for breakfast too.

No reason...I just did it. Everyday is hard and I'm not yet at that point where I make the good decision every day. And sometimes I have several days in a row of bad decisions.

On a higher note I did a BodyPump class last night and my muscles are a bit sore today which is awesome because it means I 'worked' them well.

Surge Training

2010-03-01T09:23:00.000-08:00

I'd like to say I started this day 1 when I started eating what I was supposed to. But I was so tired, I wasn't working out at all and even the thought of working out made me want to crawl under a blanket and sleep.

So last week Thursday, I finally did the surge training on the elliptical...here's what it is:

40 seconds as hard as I can go
40 seconds recovery
40 seconds on
40 seconds recovery
40 seconds on
3 minutes of recovery
repeat the whole thing 3 times.

I have to admit I really liked the surge training. It does not have to be done on a machine it can be as simple as running in place or body weight squats...but something in my brain draws me to using a machine and the elliptical is the easiest to speed up and slow down with.

I've decided to have my thyroid checked at my next physical. I just want to make sure that my weight struggles and yucky emotions aren't stemming from something medical. We'll see what happens I guess.

Weight: I couldn't bring myself to check this whole weekend because I knew I was eating a lot of crap.

Bad Food Choices: 1/2 gallon ice cream, eclairs, cereal, pizza, bagels, waffles, chocolate cupcakes, tortilla chips, cookies (this is everything bad I ate since Thursday).

Good Food Choices: I don't feel like I have made many in the last several days...

Activity: Went to the gym everyday except for Saturday.

Emotional: Still looking for ways to be good to myself to spite the fact that I feel guilty about some of my choices.

Worth It?

2010-02-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

I have been dreading writing this post and dragging my feet, wishing I didn't have to tell you the things I'm going to tell you (but part of this journey is focusing on honesty). Today marks day 17 of this 30 day journey and unfortunately I have felt like a failure since Saturday. I hesitate in even writing that last sentence because Saturday marked a very monumental day for a very good reason...I worked out. Thanks to my friend inviting me and picking me up, we did not let the snow deter us from our mission and so my first spin class in many, many months was completed and I signed up for a new gym membership at Villa. Of the last 4 days, that work out (and the 2 others that have followed it) has made me very happy.

The disappointment: I jumped out of my exercise rut and right into the bad eating one. Friday night I made flax meal bread, it's not made with grains and has the consistency of corn bread. It's green in color. I tried my first piece with butter and didn't like the flavor. I decided to put strawberry/rhubarb jam on my second piece (strawberry/rhubarb jam has sugar listed as the 3rd ingredient). Unfortunately my diet was very imbalanced all day Saturday. I only ate the flax meal bread and jam for breakfast and lunch so while I was doing a little work at the office hat afternoon I found the despised candy jar of my co-worker and indulged in 4 snack size candy bars (the first trip to that candy jar in at least 14 days). I then ate more of the flax meal bread and jam for dinner and of course around 9:30 p.m. my body (not receiving much in terms of nutrition ) was screaming for 'food'. I quickly decided I was in need of Taco Bell (quickly so I wouldn't change my mind)...thus the spiral starts.

Sunday started out well enough but a bridal shower tempted me with cake and a cookie (of which I ate both and loved them)...thinking I had really thrown away my whole weekend I opted for one more stop at Taco Bell (I'm not proud of choosing fast food 2 night in a row). Monday seem to be good, Tuesday I had pig in the blankets and ketchup as well as cereal for dinner and this morning, a bagel with cream cheese.

I'm trying not to let these bad choices get me down but they are already reflected on the scale. I end up questioning whether this whole eating plan is really worth it. I have to fight and fight and fight to drop my weight by 5 pounds and a few (what I thought were minor) slip ups and the weight quickly and easily goes back up.

I'm not quite as sad as I was last week but I'm still struggling some in that area too. I decided to make an appointment for my annual physical and I'm going to ask them to check my thyroid. I want to know for sure there is no specific, treatable, medical reason I'm struggling so much to lose weight and keep my emotions in check.

Weight: 229

Bad Food Choices: Taco Bell and strawberry/rhubarb jam

Good Food Choices: Eating the flax meal bread instead of store bought, regular bread

Activity: 2 spin classes and a weights class in the last 4 days

Emotional: Trying to deal with the sad feelings as they come and concentrating on viewing myself the way God views me.

The Emotional Side

2010-02-19T11:03:00.000-08:00

The food changes I have made are going fine with very small exceptions like peanut butter (which I already confessed to and is over now that it is gone), ketchup, and Fiber One cereal. But something is going on emotionally that I did not bargain for.

I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I'm not happy. Here I thought cutting sugar out of my diet would make me healthy and happy but the fact that I am an emotional eater is ringing through loud and clear here. In the past if I was lonely I'd eat a chocolate bar...depressed, I'd stop for ice cream...unhappy, I'd make a cake. In the last two weeks I have had zero chocolate, zero ice cream and zero pieces of cake, so my emotions are getting a chance to show themselves. It's not pretty. Every day this week I have contemplated whether I could stay home and stay in bed and then realizing I had some obligation requiring my attention that could not be missed, I would finally drag myself to work.

I think this is also why I cannot seem to work out to save my life. It's difficult enough to pull myself out of bed to get to work, I have no drive leftover to do anything else, let alone work out.

So, now I am left with trying to figure out how I should deal with my emotions in a way that does not involve food. So far I got a massage and been writing in my journal as well as reading my Bible each morning. I figure my loneliness possibly stems from feeling far from God.

I'm glad I'm on this journey but I wish I had more control over it than I currently do...

Weight: 226

Bad Food Choices: Ketchup (I never realized how bad it is for you) and Fiber One Cereal (just not on program)

Good Food Choices: Skipped the chocolate cake a co-worker brought in today.

Activity: If only laying on the couch watching TV could be counted here.

Emotional Step: Continuing to pull myself out of bed each day...

I Survived Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

I survived (as in didn't eat) the special Valentine's day cookies at church, the homemade cream puffs at my friend's house, and the heart shaped chocolate at work.

Today is day 8 of the no sugar, no grains, no bad fat eating plan. I'm finally over the head aches and overall sick feeling I was having much of last week. I feel good. I bought more food for this week and hope to try some new recipes. I tried to make chocolate macaroons this weekend but the after taste (I think from Stevia) pretty much ruins them. I attempted pancakes last night. Whole Foods does not sell coconut flour though so I ground coconut in an effort to make flour...it didn't really work and the batter didn't have the consistency of pancake batter so I added in whole wheat flour.

My biggest 'splurge' of the weekend were the several scoops of Skippy peanut butter (Skippy has sugar) one of which included some chocolate chips. I'm not beating myself up about these things because I think if that's my only bad food choice in a week...I'm doing much better than I was before starting this plan.

I'm a little bit concerned that I am not eating enough veggies and I know I am not eating enough 'meals' throughout the day...something to work on.

Weight: 228

Bad Food Choices: not eating enough veggies

Good Food Choices: Not eating all the Valentine's stuff.

Activity: Here's where I'm really struggling. I have not started the surge training yet (when I do I'll tell you all about it) and basically am just not working out. I went for a walk Saturday morning but that is not enough exercise to cover the whole weekend. I really need some motivation in this area. I think choosing a new gym, close to my home will help but I'm struggling with what gym to choose...the Y or Villa Sport.

Emotional Step: I unpacked some more boxes this weekend and found a box of old journals. I found one that was specifically about an eating and exercise plan I was on at the time. While on that plan I lost 27 pounds and then it just ended and after several blank pages was the next entry written months later and in the entry I was frustrated because I was back at my old weight. That journal was from 2005. Part of me is scared that this eating plan could end up the same way. The part of me that stomps on the scared part and lives in confidence that this plan could lead to victory...I confess is also scared but scared that I'll never again get to eat some of the foods I love. I have struggled with my weight for so long. I just need something to work and stick and have victory over this.

I Love Sleep

2010-02-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

Finally on day 3, I'm feeling pretty good.

Ten hours of sleep last night probably helped.

Withdrawn Symptoms

2010-02-09T08:08:00.001-08:00

I think I can safely say I know what addicts feel like when they go 'off' their drug, be it even caffeine. My drug of choice is food and specifically sweets, aka sugar. Yesterday was my first day (possibly ever) eating no sugar and I felt like crap (can I say that word here). I wasn't shaking but my head hurt all day, I had trouble putting my thoughts into words and focusing on my tasks was very difficult. I think eventually eliminating sugar is supposed to make me feel better but day 1 was not good and day 2 has started off with a head ache too.

So, what can I eat you ask (or just one of you asked)...let me tell you what I have eaten in the last 24 hours.

Yesterday Breakfast: 2 eggs, 4 pieces turkey bacon
Snack: handful of almonds
Lunch: chicken breast, black beans and salsa
Snack: homemade hummus and celery sticks (I think next time I'll buy hummus mine was gross)
Dinner: Turkey burger and sauteed onions, spinach and mushrooms (fried in coconut oil)

Today breakfast: A berry smoothie (1 scoop whey protein powder, 1 cup coconut milk, 1 cup frozen berries, 1 tsp almond butter)

Berries and apples are the only fruits I'm supposed to have.

Weight Today: 229

Bad Food Choices: Homemade hummus...it was chunky

Good Food Choices: Everything so far has been 'on plan'.

Activity: I did no activity yesterday...I hope to today but feeling this way just makes me want to sleep.

Emotional Step: It was my turn to share my story last night at Bible study. I told them all the good stuff and then I felt that I needed to tell them about my struggles too. I wanted to be real and I wanted to be transparent. I told them I have struggled with my weight my whole life and that since college I have petty much been on some kind of diet or eating plan at all times. I told them that I associate my weigh with my lack of boyfriend. I shared with them my experience trying to join a long term mission agency where weight seemed to become the reason I wasn't being chosen. I told them what God has taught me through these experiences and it felt so good to just talk about it. They prayed for me that I would have victory over this part of my life. Victory could mean that I finally lose weight and change my lifestyle to maintain it or victory could mean God brings me to a place of loving myself where I am. I felt fresh and ready to conquer the world after all of that...huge emotional win last night.

No Sugar, No Grains, No Problem

2010-02-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

I'm trying something new.

I went to a seminar this weekend that teaches five essentials to a having a healthy disease free body and life. 1. A healthy mind 2. Proper nutrition 3. Healthy nervous system (the seminar was put on by my chiropractor) 4. Surge Training 5. Eliminate toxins.

Honestly, I have heard all of these things before in other seminars I've attended but something in me needed to try again. Something in me is so fed up with no progress that I NEED this to work. I'm taking the 30 day challenge...starting today.

First thing this morning I wrote down my Big Why (to glorify and serve God, sometimes difficult with my current lack of energy and motivation). I wrote down my new mantra "my body is a complex and intricate machine which craves hydration and healthy foods" and my goal as if it was already achieved. "I have lost 23 pounds!".

For the next 30 days I'm eliminating sugar, grains and processed foods (they contain toxins) as well as incorporating the surge training and my daily morning pep talk. I need the next 30 days to transform my body and my mind. I need something to change because I'm not headed in a good direction right now.

I'm pretty sure I won't feel good for a few days as my body goes through withdrawal. Currently I have a head ache and likely it is for lack of sugar in my system.

Weight Today: 232 (I went a little crazy yesterday knowing it was the last time for certain foods for a while.)

Bad Food Choices: None today. Tomorrow is over and I have moved on.

Good Food Choices: Following the strict eating plan, so it as so far been all god.

Activity: Tonight...treadmill and surge training.

Emotional Step: Morning pep talk...hopefully every morning.

Sabotage

2010-01-26T19:11:00.001-08:00

Thank you to all of you for your encouragement as I share pretty personal feelings here. You have given me the courage to keep going.

I've been thinking a lot about sabotage lately. I sometimes wonder if I sabotage my own weight loss...like I'm afraid of reaching my goal. I'll have a great day and then I will drive out of my way to buy something I shouldn't eat...and then eat way too much of it. I carry around my gym bag like it's an oxygen tank I need to survive but at the slightest thought about not wanting to work out...I'm done. Gym bag in car, butt on couch. I was journaling the other day about why I want to lose weight and the truth is...I see myself as a skinny person. I see myself running races and participating in marathons. I see myself in a strapless dress or super cute jeans. I see myself married to an athletic, out-doorsy, man of God...but my weight holds me back from those things. I can't imagine that the type of guy I see myself with would see himself with someone like me...

I want to lose weight because I feel like it will make life a bit easier...but truth is if there is some reason I'm sabotaging then actually losing the weight may not solve my issues. Now comes the tricky part...figuring out what those issues are and why I do the things I do to block myself from getting to my goal.

The other thing that makes me think about sabotage is the woman on my team who is on a super strict diet and exercise plan and probably down 25 pounds from her already super skinny frame, bringing in donuts last week. Seriously?

Weight Today: 229 (down 1 pound but it's up and down a lot lately)

Bad Food Choices: About 6 fun size candy bars today at work. Two donuts on Sunday (I guess I was making up for the fact that avoided donuts at work last week).

Good Food Choices: Kept my portions under control this weekend.

Activity: Using a free YMCA pass this week and working out with my aunt. I worked out yesterday and tonight...feeling good.

Emotional step: Saw a counselor last week and finally admitted out load to someone how unhappy I am with my inability to lose weight. Not sure she can really help me figure out my issues but why not try.

God is Faithful

2010-01-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

I'm sad this week in light of the event in Haiti...but I also believe that God is a God of miracles. We may not get to hear those as much as we'll hear the heart break and pain and some we may never know but He is faithful and He is love.

In our sadness we must still find a way to hope and trust Him. Cry out to Him on behalf of your brothers and sisters in Haiti.

If you're look'in for a way to contribute I have one suggestion:

On a separate note, thanks for your support as I seek change in my weight and health habits...that's what will help me succeed.

Weight Today: Still 230

Bad Food Choices: Yesterday I had an incredible day until I got to youth group and someone had made no-bake chocolate oatmeal cookies. I love them. I need to figure out how to be in a room with food I love and not get out of control.

Good Food Choices: Breakfast, lunch and dinner were all nutritious yesterday and I drank tons of water.

Activity: Not so much.

Emotional step: Writing in my journal.

2010: A Year to Tell the Truth

2010-01-12T17:44:00.000-08:00

This is going to be the year of truth.

First truth, I'm overweight. Sometimes friends and family will try to tell me that I'm not, but the truth is, I am.

For years now I have watched the Biggest Loser and wished I could have the results in my own journey that they get. Every season I see the first weigh in and am faced with the fact that I weigh the same as some of them do that first weigh in. I don't want to, I want to be 'normal' and healthy, strong and fit, I want to be active and skinny...but working towards getting those things has been so hard.

I've been overweight most of my life. I try to put on a happy face, just live my life (not letting the weight stop me from doing things) but I'm not happy when it comes to how I look and feel. Truth is I'm often sad to the point of tears over it.

I know exactly what I need to do to lose the weight and have even done it at times...but for some reason I often sabotage and choose not to do what I know I should. For some reason I'm holding on to the weight. This year I want to find out why and move beyond whatever I'm holding on to.

Sometimes I choose to eat only chocolate for lunch and then stop for fast food on the way home. At times I buy and eat an entire box of chocolate cupcakes in one evening. I'm always on a diet yet rarely do I tell my friends and family "no, I'm not eating that". I always figure I can make up for today's bad choice tomorrow (but tomorrow I make more bad choices).

I pack clothes to go to the gym EVERY single day but in the last 3 months I have probably only been there a few times each month.

I know that working out and eating right will get me the results I want but I just don't do it. Every day I'm going to tell you about this journey...so I guess if you don't want to know you should probably just avoid coming to my blog.

Weight Today: 230
Bad Food Choices: 1/2 a loaf of pumpkin bread throughout the morning, chocolate frosting at lunch time, Taco bell for lunch
Good Food Choice: turkey chili and broccoli for dinner
Work Out: 20 minute BOSU workout
Emotional Step: Made an appointment with a counselor

Here's to being honest in 2010 and hopefully ending this year in a much better place physically and emotionally.

Saving The Planet

2010-01-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

One tree at a time...

From the rabbits.

Happy New Year!!

You know you're celebrating Christmas in Iowa when...

2009-12-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

...your Mom needs to wrap the Christmas presents for her 3 year old Sunday School class in red or green paper based on the brand of tractor that family drives.

Second Time

2009-12-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

I'm an auntie for the second time. Cameron was my first nephew and will always have a special place in my heart because of it.

At 3 1/2 though his cuteness could not hide the fact that he was a bit bossy and self absorbed at times (as I know many 3 1/2 year old are). I don't think he could help it and I loved how every time I said "okay, mr. bossy" to something he had just told me to do he'd respond with "I not bossy."

So, as of last Monday, Cameron is sharing the world with his new brother Mason. Mason had some complications when he was born and spent his first week in the hospital. All is well now and they are home from the hospital. Cameron got to meet Mason for the first time last night and this picture gives me hope that Cameron will now be the protective, nurturing older brother (and leave his bossy ways behind him).

Can't wait to see them both in about a week.

As for me and my HOUSE

2009-12-04T13:02:00.001-08:00

...we will serve the Lord. (Joshua 24:15)

Right now it's just me in the house but the point of this post (which is very late news) is to tell you that I closed on a townhome, painted (with the help of my awesome friends and family) and move in (also with the help of awesome family). It doesn't feel real yet (maybe it will when I make the first mortgage payment) but it does feel wonderful.

I do hope that instead of thinking of the house as mine and the stuff in it as mine I will ALWAYS think of it as a blessing from the Lord and it will be a place where I can glorify and serve the Lord. I do feel incredibly blessed. I plan to post some pictures here but until I get myself organized with that (before and after and such) I just wanted to share the news. Plus I don't even have a picture of the outside yet...I'll get that done this weekend.

Rickshas, Motorcycles and Honking...oh my

2009-11-03T23:30:00.000-08:00

Hello blogging friends. I write this post from Chennai, India. Most of you are cozy in your beds I am sure while we are heading to our 1:00 p.m. lunch (they eat lunch and dinner late in India).

So far I love this country...granted I have not seen much of it but the parts I have seen and the people I have met are great! Now, I could probably do without such spicy food and would love to have a little different bathroom situation but all in all I'm flexible and making it work.

Traffic here is crazy. It's not that there is so much traffic...it's the way it moves. There are some lines on some roads but otherwise cars just drive back and forth, often not necessarily staying on there side of the road (which is the left side here). Motorcycles weave through where ever they can and rickshas are everywhere. It doesn't feel unsafe (most of the time) just so dis-organized. I think the traffic here has actually made the drivers more defensive than in the U.S. People walk right through the traffic and right down busy roads and they trust that the traffic will go around them, and it does.

They also do a bit of honking here (I'm being sarcastic it is crazy and all day long). It's not meant to be a mean thing or to show annoyance and anger (like it often is in the U.S.) it's just a 'hey people I'm right next to you, I'm here don't veer to the right to quickly'. So everyone is honking to let everyone else know where they are.

Maybe I'll try riding on the back of a motorcycle before this trip is over.

That's the traffic report for the day. I'll report back on other India adventures later.

Sofa : Lovely

2009-10-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about furniture ALL the time now. I have none (besides my bed and a dresser and a huge white chair)...and with a new home I'll have some space to put some furniture. I found a sofa I LOVE on the World Market website. It is a little expensive...but modern and functional (sofa and bed) and a neutral pattern.

What do you think?

I'm thinking of putting some orange accents, like this chair.

Lord, help me so I don't go overboard.

Headed in the Right Direction

2009-10-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

If you are tired of reading about my house woes...too bad.

My offer was basically accepted they only countered with some date changes. Praise the Lord. I have an inspection scheduled for next Monday and the closing date should be November 13. I am SO excited. Another plus is that we are able to work everything around my work trips. I feel so blessed that God has orchestrated everything the way He has.

More to come I'm sure (so just deal with it)...just thought you'd like to know this piece.

The Wait

2009-10-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

I found a townhouse I really, really like (I've only been there once so love seems like too strong of a word). I hesitate to even post about this, just in case my desire to have this house is not aligned with God's will (and I have to re-post about not getting it)...but you've been with me throughout this process and I feel like you need to know. The place is awesome, the wait after putting in the offer is horrible. Ironic, considering I waited patiently for TWO months to hear anything substantial on the short sale place. And here I am completely on edge just an hour and a half after submitting my offer for this place. I guess I used up all my patience on the last offer and now I just want this one to come through all nice and pretty.

Christian Cafe

2009-10-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

I know people are usually all taboo about on-line dating sites and sometimes I am too. Not tonight, tonight I share...every so often when I feel like life is good (so why not find someone to share it with) I get on ChristianCafe.com and it usually coincides with some free time promo they just sent me (I'm pretty sure I'll never pay for ChristianCafe). So I use the free time sent to me, which is good because nothing ever comes out of being on there except emails from super old guys or guys who don't know how to use any punctuation and spell every other word wrong. I'd sort of like to meet someone who uses to and too properly (not that I'm all that great at that kind of stuff myself which is why meeting someone worse off then me...not so thrilling).

I'm on a free trial again. I think part of the issue with ChristainCafe is that we have not all figured out how we are going to use it. For instance I look at a guy's profile (which he knows cause you can go check out who viewed you) and then he looks at mine (which I know for the same reason) and then the next day he looks at it again and the next day yet again...does this mean he's waiting for me to write him (or just keeps forgetting he already looked at mine). I'm not into pursuing the guy so I really want them to step it up and put themselves out there and send me a message (none of that wink stuff or IMs...cause they don't let you see who wants to IM with you until you except the request). But then I just end up feeling guilty because I don't want to respond to the ones who actually do send me a message...I know, I'm awful.

Another interesting part of my free time on the site is the number of guys that have been on the site since I first tried it 2 yeas ago. I guess I'm not the only one who hasn't found my love on-line.

Be An Advocate

2009-10-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

Advocate: a person who speaks or writes in support or defence of a a person or cause, a person who pleads for or on behalf of another, a person who pleads the cause of another...

There are times where we have to stand up for something and advocate for it (or against in some cases). For me that has been by being an advocate for Compassion International.

This past weekend Compassion hosted a conference for advocates and 400 of the 2500 advocates for Compassion were there. It was an amazing time of worship, building relationships, getting equipped for the task before us (advocating on behalf of children in poverty) and food. Okay, I know the food one is very superficial but I can tell you it was some pretty amazing food and I ate way too much of it.

The conference wore me out and lit me on fire. It was intense emotionally and jam packed with break out sessions and large group sessions and eating...I needed to take a nap when it was over. I left the conference not just spent but excited. I was thinking about all the ways I can try to raise money and get sponsors for Compassion. Stay tuned...

I got to thinking about how advocacy brings people together. There were several people who had been on my Tanzania trip at the conference so it was a little reunion but I also bonded so quickly with people I had never met before. Advocacy did that. Standing up for something we believe in and against poverty has done that.

Let me also tell you that Compassion has some amazing advocates who inspired me this weekend. If you don't want to be an advocate for Compassion, choose something else but being an advocate helps give some purpose to life (so choose something that will make a difference and see how God can use you).

If you do want to be an advocate for Compassion...let me know.

Be Content

2009-10-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

To spite some unfavorable news regarding my house offer...I am content. From the start my prayer has been that God will either make this home mine or make me okay if it is not mine. It's looking like it won't be mine and I'm okay.

I knew going into this whole thing that a short sale was risky. I did however believe the seller's realtor when he told me he knew some things we didn't that would make this move quickly and smoothly...my bad. It has been over a month since a made my 'clean' offer (no closing costs requested, no other requests and I offered more than the listing price...yes, I really wanted this place). I followed up last week. My realtor is out of the country so I followed up with her boss. He called me back a couple days later and let me listen to a voice mail from the seller's realtor. Basically the voice mail told me that things were not looking good. He said that one of the banks (two loans are involved) is making requests that the seller is unable to submit to. I have no idea what that means but I'm guessing it means they are losing more money than they want to and they are trying to get some additional money from the sellers. There is a reason they have to sell their place as a short sale but the bank seems confused by that.

I envision that they will now pull the house off the market and move to foreclosure...probably selling for less money than they would have received if they'd accepted my offer. Got to love good business practices.

So, I'm slightly frustrated, but I think it's more about not getting to know the specifics of why the whole transaction is falling apart and the stress of having to make a new decision.

Do I hurry up and find another place (not a short sale this time) and make an offer to ensure that we can close before the December 1 deadline (a friend says she's heard the deadline may get extended which could help me)? Do I skip the whole thing and stay where I am? The more I think about buying the more concerned I am that the whole thing will make me more materialistic than I already want to be (I'll suddenly have a need and more space for things, all sorts of things).

I'm also back to the decisions of house or town home/condo and what area of town. I just don't feel like going through it all again...plus I really am content with God saying 'no' to this one.

Typhoon Ondoy/Tropical Storm Ketsana

2009-09-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering this post for a few days now. I was in the Philippines this past weekend when the typhoon came through. I don't know how to express this in a way that will help you understand and help me process...

I knew going to the Philippines that this is their rainy season so I took my rain jacket with me when I left on my trip last week. Little did I know just how useful the rain jacket would be and yet not really enough. At breakfast on Friday morning it was mentioned that there was a typhoon off the coast... by Friday night there seemed to be a pretty steady rain coming down. Saturday morning was our much anticipated project visit. It had rained all night and was still raining as we boarded the bus. The rain was a steady down poor as we made our way to the Compassion Philippines office to pick up some field staff going with us.

We arrived at the project and I could see that some sections of the road we were on were completely under water (kids were using the street as a swimming hole. The first thing we did when we arrived at the project was to go on home visits. We split up and due to the rain it was determined we'd take the motorcycles with side cars. Pretty exciting actually. On some of the roads the water was coming up into our side car because it was so deep. Our home was the closer one but it still took us 15 minutes to drive to the visit (I'll talk about in a different post). As we traveled back to the project we ended up taking a longer route on some of the major (6 lane) roads as some of the streets we'd taken earlier were now too flooded to drive through. We returned to he project soaked and found out the other home visit group had actually seen a house collapse. This is about the time I realized the typhoon and rain and flooding were serious.

We had lunch at the project and then it was time to head back. Most of the field staff did not get back on the bus with us as it was discovered the roads back to the office were already flooded and our bus would not make it there. As we traveled back to the hotel I saw people walking with bags of stuff who had evacuated and were trying to get to emergancy shelter. I saw abandoned cars, flooded roads (people wading through waste deep water) and waves in the water as we'd drive through. The rain had not let up yet and I didn't know how long it would continue or how much more this city could take. It continued to set in just how serious this was.

Back at the hotel I turned on the TV to see footage of just how the water was affecting people. The news station was showing live footage of people being rescued from the roofs of their homes and lots of footage of people wading through water who had evacuated and now needed to find a place to go. Some of the field staff was stranded at our hotel and I'm glad I had a chance to help them. I wasn't sure we'd make it to the airport in the morning and if we did, if our flight would still be running.

In th morning as we drove to the airport we could still see pools of water but we could also see how he rushing water had tipped over large cement road blocks and we saw 100s of people (4:30 a.m.) that our van driver told us had been stranded and likekly spent the night on the street.

I'm glad I was in the Philippines when this happened. Far too often I don't really understand what's happening through out the world and unfortunatley sometimes I don't take the time to understand. Being back makes me wish I was still there and could somehow help, but instead I need to pray. Please pray for the Philippines staff who had to evacuate their homes and the children/church partners who may be affected. Pray the next storm that seems to be coming somehow avoids the Philippines altogether I don't have such great pictures but here's a couple.

No Laughing Matter

2009-09-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not a pet person, at least not the kind you keep in doors (there are 3.4 dogs that I like and a couple cats depending on the day and their mood that day). Ironically, I house/pet sit a lot (I like the extra income and staying at someone else's house feels like a vacation). I tell people it is because of how responsible I am.

Well, this week I am dog sitting for a coworker whose on her honeymoon. I had never been to her house before and never seen her dogs but when she called me last week and asked I didn't hesitate a bit to say 'yes'. Monday when I got to her house the cat was super sweet and I knew straight away that he wouldn't be a problem. I dropped my load of stuff on the living room floor. I have yet to master a simple house sitting formula and bring way more than I need, including a bag of food that I usually end up bringing back home with me...completely in tact. I opened the garage door to my dogs for the week. I let them out of their kennels (more complicated than you think since one of them can escape his so his front door is pinned against the garage wall).

The dogs are much bigger than I had imagined. I'm a little scared. I don't show them my fear and rush them out to the backyard. Later that night I feed them, let them out a couple more times and decide it's time for them to go back in their kennels and go to sleep. They are not in agreement. The boy dog gets a little rough with me (in hines sight, he is probably just playing cause he's a puppy) I hold it together till I get them back into their kennels but once inside I freak out. I shed a few tears (cause sometimes that's what panic does to me) and then I pulled a truly brilliant move. I texted the happy couple to ask if someone else could take care of the pets (I was envisioning an entire week of me crying every night and not looking forward to it). Reminder this couple is on their honeymoon and after like 4 hours at their house I'm ready to give up. Long story short I did not give up, I brought in reinforcements.

My friend joined me the next night. She likes dogs and does really well with big dogs so I let her do her thing and wouldn't you know that night was 50 time better than the one before (and I didn't shed a tear). Wednesday night, very similarly to Tuesday night, my friend came over again and played with the dogs and let them jump on her and it was wonderful. She'd be back for several hours on Thursday afternoon too.

Thursday morning started very normal. Alarm rings. Roll out of bed. Drowsily navigate my way to the garage. Let dogs out to backyard. Gather water dishes for fresh water. Grab door handle from garage to house...panic. Door handle doesn't move. Door is locked. I am standing in the garage in my PJs at 6:30 a.m. (luckily I put some flip flops on) and I am locked out of the house (all other doors and windows are locked). Don't panic, maybe their is a key hidden in the garage. Didn't find one. Maybe I can pick the lock. Not so much. Half hour passes and I decide I'm going to have to befriend a neighbor and call a locksmith.

I could give you all the hairy details with a play by play of how many times I cried and all that loveliness but I'll just give you the hard facts. I befriended 2 neighbors (knocked on 4 doors though), called two locksmiths, went through 1/4 a bag of dog treats trying to distract the dogs while I tried backyard doors and windows and spent 4 hours in the garage in my PJs.

It turns out my helpful, doggie loving friend locked the garage door handle out of habit. I take responsibility for not checking that door and have learned a big lesson from this. When I am dog sitting my morning routine needs to start with going to the bathroom and gathering my cell phone (just in case it is several hours before I come back into the house from letting the dogs out).

I'm also going to stop telling people I'm a good pet sitter because I'm responsible...

Running and Beer

2009-08-26T09:10:00.001-07:00

August has been quite the 'off month' when it comes to exercising (OK, let's face it, July too) . It's been depressing because I see what I've worked so hard for, slipping away at break neck speeds. Yesterday I committed to myself that I WOULD work out no matter what. So when a friend IM'd me at around 8:30 a.m. to see if I wanted to run the local Jack Quinn's Tuesday night 5K. I said 'yes'. God knew I might possibly back out of my commitment to work out but if someone was expecting me, I would do it.

I knew this run would be nothing to write about (let's just say this is only the 3rd time I have exercised all month) so that's not what I m writing about.

This was my first run with this group and I was blown away by how many people where there to run. I think we got passed by like 45. But what completely floored me is the packed out bar when we got back, of people who had just run 3.1 miles and were downing beer like it was water.

I don't get it. But whatever.

I will be going back to run again (there are several ways I can improve from last night's run). After 10 runs I get a white running T-shirt. Many people wore theirs on their run last night. They might have regretted that at the end when we were hit with a down pour. Colorado weather?

Yet another thing I don't get it. But whatever.

I Decided

2009-08-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

A townhome, on the east side, with a two car attached garage, in a gated community.

I made an offer but the home is a short-sale and I will likely hear nothing for 30-60 days. Being a 'short' sale does not mean things will move quickly (I originally thought that is what the short part of that meant). Short sale means the bank will be losing money. In my case the lower listing price (and what the bank has said they will take for this house) is why I can afford the place.

I mulled over the whole having a yard thing vs. paying a huge monthly HOA payment and as I thought about what I'm passionate about, what energizes me, what I currently love to spend time doing...none of it came back as 'yard work'. Huge monthly HOA it is then.

I love this townhome and I hope it will be mine but I'm well aware that I might possibly wait 2 months for the bank to tell me 'no'. If that is the case then I will move on and trust that God has something else in store.

Stay tuned.

Buddy Walk

2009-08-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

My cousin, John was born with Down Syndrome. When he was born I knew little about what that was. I still know very little, except that every person I meet who happens to have Down Syndrome is super sweet. John is no exception. He has his moments of course but doesn't every child?

Every year the Colorado Springs Down Syndrome Association hosts a 'Buddy Walk'. Over 1,000 people came out this year including my parents (they made the trip from Iowa and brought Grandma along too). Its always a fun day and always a reminder that no matter the disability someone has they can still laugh and love. The Buddy Walk is one of the most fun events in town.

Sometimes I'm Stupid

2009-08-04T06:53:00.001-07:00

I'm a sucker for 'free'. I also try to see things from every angle and not get duped into what I thought was free, only to get frustrated when I'm charged for something. Unfortunately I was dragged in to a new 'free' offer that has so far cost me $240. I'm ashamed to even post this for you to know how stupid I can be but on the slim chance you were going to try the same thing...hopefully this would save you from experiencing my dilemma.

It all started with one of those Internet ads that runs along the side of my email and Facebook pages that I normally IGNORE. This day I was feeling particularly vulnerable and I clicked. I read a woman's blog about how she lost all kinds of weight in like 6 weeks and it was because of these two 'magic' supplements. The first one sounded like an interesting option it was Acai Nutraburst. The acai berry s all the rage right now so I thought, 'why not'. The second supplement this woman swore by was called Power Cleanse. Personally I believe the body has all it needs to cleanse properly and that colon cleanses are not necessary but this sight was offering me both for 'free'. I read the sight carefully making sure I knew exactly what I was getting into. Then when I advanced to the next screen to enter my info I was told I would need to pay for the shipping and handling. This was my first clue that this was not legit. I immediately hit the box to close out of the sight. A message pops up saying they want to cut the shipping and handling price in half so I'm only paying $2 each for the supplements. I wanted to continue to close out, walk away and never look back. But I didn't. I caved.

Fast forward to last week Wednesday, I'm on-line checking out my bank statements and I see a charge for $74 and a charge for $81...to the two companies I had received my 'free' supplements from. I called immediately. One phone number didn't work...panic mode, I was going to have to change my credit card number. The second one I finally got a hold of and they informed me that because I did not send back the unused portion of the supplement or call them within 15 days of receiving it I had agreed to purchase the supplement. What? In what language had that fine print been, that I NEVER saw. I assured them this info was not on their website and "Why does it not tell me that extremely important detail ANYWHERE on the order confirmation I received with the supplement?" I'm about to cry. HOW could I have been so stupid. Eight days later I have a charge from the 1st company that I have yet to get hold of and again I'm thinking I have to change my credit card number.

My bank credited my account for all the charges and are going to 'investigate' my dispute. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck paying most of the charges in the end but I first have to write letters to my bank explaining everything I have done to remedy the issue.

I'm frustrated because I know this company did what the did on purpose and probably get loads of money from vulnerable woman wanting yet another option for slimming down. I'm not condoning the usage of pills for such a goal but these seemed different to me. I hate that there are people who do business like this and ALL the work I have had to go through to try to 'fix' this stupid problem.

I know I did a dumb dumb thing. I'm glad my bank sees that it was a mistake and wants to help me and I'm using this post as a reminder to myself and if at first I feel like it's a scam of some kind, I'm probably right.

The Rollercoaster

2009-07-21T07:21:00.001-07:00

I can't decide, or maybe it's just that I don't want to, or won't.

As the one single-family house I was interested in is no longer an option I've been avoiding figuring out the house buying situation. Before I started looking at single family homes I was pretty set on getting a townhouse or a condo and had found a fairly large one in a location I really loved. Since I have friends who already live in the complex it was brought to my attention that there was a possibility of there being an assessment (fancy word for a requirement for the owners to cough up money) on new siding. It would probably be somewhere in the area of $9K per owner to pay for the siding. Hearing that, I crossed that place off my list.

Well, I found out over the weekend that the HOA voted and decided to just re-paint the siding which would not be an additional cost. This was exciting to me because really the $9K was the main thing holding me back. So I decided yesterday I 'might' be ready to make an offer. Can you see how wishy washy I am on this whole thing? I'm driving myself crazy.

At 7:30 p.m. last night I talked to my parents on the phone, (they are supportive of whatever I want to do) and basically told them I was ready to make an offer. Two hours later I'm talking to one of my friends who already lives in the complex and she is listing off all the issues she had with her home and specifically issues she has with the HOA. They are seemingly small. But are they still big enough to change my mind yet again? I don't know.

Then, there is this anti-debt mindset I have that pings me every few days with thoughts of "you don't have to buy now" "you have a place to live" "you can save a lot of money not buying...and travel" "there will still be houses next year you don't have to buy because the stimulus package will pay you $8K". Seriously, I am driving myself crazy.

I cry out to God to close doors and open others and send me wise counsel...now I just need to have patience and let Him work how He works, in His own time. The message in church on Sunday was about "your will Father...not mine". I need to, at every step of this process, try to discern what God's will is.

Back the assessment...if they keep painting and not replacing the siding (which apparently they already did 6 years ago) there's still going to eventually come a time when the request money for new siding. Here's the question I have for the HOA though..."if this issue came up 6 years ago why didn't they start saving money then to be used on the new siding instead of again figuring out if they can request it from the condo owners".

I'm not decided and I'm not enjoying the roller coaster anymore and I LOVE roller coasters. More to come, my realtor probably thinks I'm crazy too.

Playlist Boredom

2009-07-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

For those of you who workout to music (run, cardio or strength training), what are some of your favorite musical finds?

I'm needing some new options to add to my playlist and have an iTunes gift card just waiting to be spent.

House Update

2009-07-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I was ready to put in an offer on a house (no fool'in).

It is a unique (unique as it can be in a cookie cutter, built after 2000, housing development) and looked like it was brand new. It was actually built in 2003. It isn't necessarily in the area of town I thought I wanted to be but it's close to my aunt and uncle and since the rest of my family lives over 700 miles away...it is likely I'd be calling my aunt and uncle to help me out from time to time, so why not make it a bit easier for them.

Within the last week I switched from thinking I could only go for a condo or townhouse to being open to a single family home to finding one I loved and could actually see myself living in to finding out it had 3 offers before me (not the only person who could see myself living there I guess) and went under contract this morning. Did I mention this house buying thing is a roller coaster?

I see this as one of the ways God can speak to me through this process though. Unless the Lord picks my house, I pick in vain (adapted slightly from Psalm 127:1).

My Chocolate Nemesis

2009-07-09T16:09:00.001-07:00

If you have read posts on this blog before it is not a secret that I'm working on developing better fitness and nutrition with the hope that weight loss would be the outcome. Not in a vain I'll never be pretty till I lose [insert number here] pounds kind of way but in a I want to be a healthy and active adult so as I age I continue to be healthy and active kind of way.

As much as I try to conquer the hold that chocolate and sugar has on me...it's winning. There's one desk in particular that ALWAYS has the chocolate I like and let's just say I don't take one piece per day, let's say some days I take 5 pieces (or more). I never feel good about myself on those days and maybe that's why I do it. The sad part is that I of course want to hide my inability to control myself around chocolate so I only take pieces when this employee is away from their desk and then I quickly eat it at my desk and get rid of the evidence. I'm well aware that this is problem and maybe even a disorder but I have no idea how to 'stop the insanity'.

I value the suggestions I get from friends and family and the information I read in magazines and on-line around this issue (it's not unique to me). But recently I was introduced to an on-line study that portrays overeating (and eating in secret) as a spiritual issue. I'm on day 9 of the 60 day study and I'm starting to think it really is a spiritual issue. Even though, I'm not yet certain whether completing the study will help me conquer this nemesis...I'm still hopeful.

Married Friends and Almost

2009-07-08T16:16:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of married friends and a significant number of friends almost married. Although I am not yet in either of those categories I like to listen to sermons and read articles and books about having a good solid marriage. Truth is, some of my friends have struggled in their marriages and even gone through divorces. I guess that is one of the things that scares me about marriage is how hard it can be...

I was listening to a sermon series by Andy Stanley last night on "Staying in Love". He talked about love being a verb and how every single day we have to say [to our spouse] "today it is about you". Everyday! How can I actually put that into action when I know that my selfishness might come out too?

In Andy's specific words "Falling in love is about having a pulse; staying in love is about having a plan. Falling in love involves attraction, staying in love involves action."

A plan of how your going to show love to your spouse and what you're going to do when you aren't feeling so loving and actions to back up the love. Things I want to remember and start working on even now.

Yes, marriage is hard (I think most people would agree to that) but we obviously believe it can work and be great or we wouldn't keep striving and hoping for it.

That Is The Question

2009-07-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

To buy or not to buy...

I know I just got done posting about the exciting adult step I am taking in buying a house. I'd like to take a moment to now post about the internal, emotional struggle weighing me down.

I worked hard to get myself out of debt...paid off my car, paid off my college education (I went to a private Christain school, not cheap) and paid off my credit card debt. After the years of conquering the debt were done, I was supposed to start saving-for a house or that next car, or to keep up with my love of travel. Well, I didn't do that very well (instead I traveled, got a personal trainer and shopped when I wanted to). So, although I have a down payment for a house, it is a small down payment and it wouldn't leave the Dave Ramsey recommended 3 month nest egg in my savings. Just writing that makes me think I know my own answer...but it's not that cut and dry really.

I want to own my own house, I want to paint and decorate and organize, I want to drive into my garage and walk right into my house and I want to be able to host friends and family.

Now is a good time, but is it a good time for me? I'm all over the map. I can convince myself either way. Friends and family have no idea that their input and comments run over and over in my head. I'm praying the Lord shows me what the right decision is...and until the decision is made I will probably continue to be all over the map.

Go ahead weigh in...

A Grown Up Thing To Do

2009-06-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

Buy a house that is.

You know how certain life stages make you feel a little more grown up? Graduating from college, taking a real vacation with friends, getting a job that paid over minimum wage and offered benefits, paying rent (and other monthly bills)...all were life changes that made me feel a little more adult, well I think I'm ready for one more of those changes.

I'll keep you updated as I know more.

Addicted

2009-06-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

I love that my favorite TV shows are on DVD...LOVE IT! There's just one problem...sometimes an episode ends with a cliff hanger or it ends kind of sad or just not where I want to end. Even though I know what the next episode will be (cause part of the addiction is watching TV shows I've already seen before) I just can't stop watching. I want to stop, I want to go to sleep (cause I need to leave at 5:30 AM tomorrow to go rafting)...but I just can't.

Totally unrelated to my TV on DVD addiction, I've made the decision that starting every blog title with 'Because' is not going to be my thing anymore. I don't really know if I have a thing, but that one's going to take a break.

Because Weddings are Beautiful

2009-06-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

My college friend, Amy got married this weekend. I find it a little funny that as we get older we categorize our friends (college, high school, work, gym, running, church).

But anyway...she was more beautiful than I could have imagined her to be and the wedding was lovely.

Something I think I've noticed though over the last few years of wedding attending is that unless you are part of the bridal party it's not so much that you are attending the wedding because you're going to get to talk to the bride a whole lot...you're attending because you're going to get to catch up with other friends (in this case my college friend, Kris). LOVED catching up with her. We missed having you there Michelle.

I love that no matter how many weddings I go to, they are all different and I always leave with a renewed hope in love, a renewed belief that marriage is God's plan (illustrated to us in the fact that Jesus' radiant bride is His church). A renewed faith that someday I'll be the one committing my life to someone incredible.

Amy, lovely and happy and beautiful. Your special day is one to remember.

Because It's About the One

2009-06-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

Compassion International is about matching one child with one sponsor. Compassion began through one man's heart to help the needy children he saw on the streets during the Korean war 57 years ago. Today Compassion celebrated our one millionth sponsored child.

God has blessed this ministry and it is such an honor to be working here at a time like this when the Lord continues to bless.

Because I'm Still Sore

2009-05-29T06:34:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick little post about my race on Monday. Ran or mostly walked rather the Bolder Boulder. The weather was wonderful, conditions were good, I started too fast and it felt like I walked 80%... I did finish under the time I wanted to (1 hour 27 minutes) which brings to mind two reasons: a) I maybe ran more then I think or b) I have become a super walker (walking almost as fast as I run).

All in all I should be very proud (I sort of am) but at the same time it's not as exciting to talk about how I walked the Bolder Boulder run.

In other news that tops my race...my nephew Cam Cam is going to be a big brother and I'm going to be an auntie again. December is the special month (just in time for a long Christmas visit to Iowa).

Happy Friday. I'm running another race next Saturday to raise money for the Life Network. It's a 5K. I'm hoping I can actually run it, but truth be told my legs (butt mostly) are still sore from the Monday race.

Because Frustration Abounds

2009-05-18T09:54:00.001-07:00

This short little post is going to be about my frustration with my weight. If that doesn't interest you...now you know to come back a different day.

I think I'm getting stronger. I think I'm getting better at running and more powerful on the spin bike but it's also possible it's just an allusion. I have been stuck at this weight since for sure the beginning of December and possibly longer...and I have a hard time believing all those good things could be happening while my weight stays exactly the same (give or take a few pounds in each direction).

For most of this journey I was losing 1-2 pounds per week. It was sometimes frustrating if I compared myself to the biggest loser contestants who were losing 5-10 pounds per week. At this point I take back all of that frustration...I just want the 1-2 pounds per week back.

Because I Don't Poop On Their Transportation

2009-05-07T12:31:00.000-07:00

There is a bird (or a gang of like 25 based on the amount) that finds it absolutely necessary to poop down the sides of my car daily (eveningly actually). I complained about this to my friends and family at Easter dinner and one of them said something that revved my annoyance and sent me into "how can I 'fix' this problem, NOW" mode like none of the actual birdy poop had yet done.

They said very casually and sort after-thought like "oh, that can take the paint off".

What?

No stinking way...not only does it look awful running down the length of my driver's side door but it could also strip the paint off that door making my car look forever trashy? No stinking way...

It seems to me that this same poop problem started around the time my roommate started making comments about the little bird taking up residence in our fake berry wreath above the mail box. So, as the weeks of annoyingness passed on I started to credit that little bird for the daily, disgusting layered down the side of my car.

One afternoon in a pit of rage (silent stomping mostly)...I decided enough was enough. This little birdy was going to have to find a new home. At this point in the story you are probably no longer disgusted by my car but sympathizing with the little bird. I understand (I'm mean) and I won't hold it against you. So back to the rage...I pulled down the wreath (little bird is off wreaking havoc somewhere else at the moment) and I'm all prepared to pull out the nest and nicely place it on a branch in the tree in our yard (see I'm not as mean as I first appear). BUT when I lowered the wreath, to my dismay, there were 5 little blue eggs laying at the bottom.

No stinking way...I might be fed up with the disgusting runs of poop on my car but I'm not cold hearted enough to kill the innocent birds before they are even born (I'm anti-abortion). I carefully put the wreath back in it's spot and went in the house to wallow in the foreverness that would become my disgusting car doors.

Since this little event I have caught the real culprit sitting on the side of my car...it's a much bigger bird than the one inhabiting our wreath and thus explains the amount of poop on my car. I will admit I still have moments of wanting to get rid of the wreath bird (eggs and all) just because I can't be completely sure that she isn't contributing in some way to the filth but my roommate gives me those eyes of "Killer...how can you?" and I make the right decision.

My most logical idea about fixing this problem is to tape pictures of owls inside my car windows...I'll let you know if that works or not. I'm open to suggestions too...my car looks very ridiculous (cause I'm too lazy to wash the doors of twice a day).

Because Feeling Special is Great

2009-05-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday. I have felt super special since Friday (people started celebrating with me early) and now as the actual day is coming to a close I just want to share a few of the ways I have felt blessed...something I never want to take forgranted.

Dear, wonderful friends surprised me with lunch and flowers on Friday.
My roommate planned a wonderful weekend in Breckenridge. (original plan was to hike...but with the amount of snow still there we should have brought snow shoes...we shopped instead).
7 of my lovely friends spent their own money to join in on the Breckenridge birthday weekend.
We relaxed and followed no specific agenda (I love doing that).
We ate good food and good cake all weekend...I will likely not feel as blessed by that tomorrow when my body realizes just how much good food and good cake was eaten.
39 people wished me 'happy birthday' on Facebook. Facebook makes birthday wishing easy but I still appreciate all of the well wishes.
My mom sang happy birthday to me on my voicemail.
My nephew wished me happy birthday and then claimed he wanted another birthday-to which my brother informed him he only gets one a year. He decided he wanted to watch a video instead.
I was able to take a free yoga class today and that makes any day better.
I received lots of calls (including one from Thailand), cards, emails and texts that reminded me of all the amazing friends and family I have.

I am blessed. This last year has had loads of ups and downs and thankfully God shows me daily-ways to keep putting my trust in Him. Though I'm not yet who He wants me to be and not quite where I want to be (or thought I would be at this age)...His plan is better than anything else I can dream or imagine, so I'll keep following Him.

Because Swine Flu Isn't the Only Killer

2009-04-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm posting twice today. I get news updates sent to my email daily... mostly I scan the headlines, occasionally I actually read the articles. As you can imagine the hot topic right now is the Swine Flu.

While I am very sorry for Mexico and the little boy who passed away in Texas, ultimately I'm very sad that this topic gets so much news coverage while the thousands of children who will die of Malaria today won't be recognized in any news story.

And Malaria isn't the only killer either...

I like that Compassion considers these thousands of children news worthy and worthy of standing up for. I like that Compassion is Biting Back.

Because I Need the Reminder

2009-04-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

Working for Compassion is a blessing beyond what I can describe but it's still a job and there are still days when the normal work annoyances cloud my vision and turn me into a grump. Thankfully there are things to remind me that the normal work annoyances are so very small, especially compared to the reality that children all over the world might not even be able to eat today.

So, let me share with you the reminders I have to "suck it up and do my work" as though I am working for the Lord (and especially when I'm feeling annoyed).

Our recruitment department has a flyer with the words "Over 1 million impoverished children depend on YOU to come to work everyday." I copied that phrase from the flyer onto my white board (I should probably put it on my bathroom mirror too...but then my roommate would have to read it everyday and it's not necessarily true for her).

Chapel. Today a Compassion leader talked about servant leadership.

And here's the biggy for today...blog posts by our Compassion India Bloggers. This is the 3rd trip that Compassion has done where they take some great bloggers on a trip and ask them to do what they do best which is tell stories and invite people into their experiences. I LOVE reading blogs and I've read all the posts from the India Bloggers so far. They have communicated authentic messages to me of despair turned to hope...reminding me that my own despair will pass and hopefully turn into hope as well.

I need these reminders because there are some days that I feel far removed from the children and days when I feel like I'm caught in a funnel cloud and days when my annoyance is stronger than it should be. The children are what keep me doing what I'm doing on those days. The children are the hope I have for what God can do. The children are my reminder.

Because They Opened Their Homes

2009-04-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday to you!

This post is installment 3 of "I love Tanzania." I've shared with you that meeting my sponsored child was a life changing event and how the lives and faces of the children touched my heart...well this post is about our home visits.

While on the Tanzania trip I was able to visit 5 homes. These are the homes of some of the children that are part of Compassion's projects. The purpose for the home visits seems to be multi faceted. One thing we would try to do is hear what being a part of Compassion has meant to the family and meet other relatives living in the home. Another aspect was the opportunity we had to encourage the families and pray for them. One of the strongest purposes is so that we can get to know more about living in poverty. Our group of sponsors stayed in a pretty comfy hotel with plenty of food and water and space for everything we brought along...part of going on a Compassion trip is learning as much as possible about poverty and the best way to do that is to see it with our own eyes.

Within these home visits we were told we could ask anything but something about that felt too invasive to me. I wanted to be polite and not embarrass them in anyway but there were others in my various visit groups that didn't hold back. I think all of our questions were still very appropriate but it seemed to change the dynamic of the visit for me from "meeting a family" to "researching a family". To spite any of the apprehensions I had about sitting in these homes and talking with the families and not wanting them to feel like they were on display- I truly loved this aspect of the sponsor tour.

Not every home visit was a happy one. In one of the homes we learned that the mother was sick with HIV and afraid for her child's future after she was gone, in another home it seemed there were too many mouths to feed and not enough food (which I know is the case in so many other homes). On another visit we were happy to learn that in a community where men can and do take several wives that the young sponsored boy in that home had already determined he would only have one wife. Another visit brought a marriage proposal or at least the question of when I might return because the father in that family wanted to marry me off to someone in his tribe.

These were totally an eye opening experience...here's a few (actually a bunch) of photos from our home visits. The thread that wove through each of these visits and never changed was the fact that all of these families graciously invited us into their lives and homes and offered so much of themselves to a group of people they knew nothing about.

Enjoy the photos.

Because Sometimes I Feel Invisable

2009-04-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

Invisible, insignificant, inconsequential, irrelevant...I know they all mean close to the same thing but I just kept going because they all start with 'i' and because I might use all of them to describe how I feel about myself at times.

This is not a pity party so don't feel like you have to 'cheer' me up (although I always love being encouraged)...this is just a fact of life and I think we all feel like this at some point or another, even if our life is going awesome.

Well I've been feeling this feeling a little more than usual this week and I think it's because certain things in my life are passing me by and people don't notice me or think of me when I think they should be. It's because I have hit a lull in certain areas of my life and the part of me that needs to be recognized is being stifled by the part of me that doesn't care anymore. Sorry to be so vague but who knows who reads this and I should probably keep things a little ambiguous.

When I talk to God about this, He brings the normal verses to mind about His sufficient grace (2 Corinthians 12:9) and knowing all the hairs on my head (Matt 10:29-31)...that sadly enough only partially comfort me. I spoke of hope last week and look how quickly I've switched from feeling hopeful about my life and my circumstances to feeling all the 'i' words I mentioned above. I don't think I'll wallow in this place for long, but somehow it's where I am today. Maybe tomorrow will bring a new revelation from the Lord...

Because I Am Rich

2009-04-19T19:04:00.000-07:00

It was Compassion Sunday today at our church. Since I started attending my church 2 years ago I have been praying for this day. It exceeded my expectations in so many ways. I was mostly praying for a 'normal' Compassion Sunday (table in the lobby, announcement in the bulletin) low key type stuff. My church is not really low key in anything we do though... So when the pastors of my church took a trip to Peru in February and decided to dedicate an entire service to sharing their excitement about partnering with Compassion, I was overjoyed. Not only did they share about their trip to Peru and how their hearts are sold on what God is doing there, they dedicated the entire service to informing the congregation about poverty and one of the most tangible ways that they can help...sponsoring a child through Compassion.

The service started with the Rob Bell video "Rich" and it was a powerful reminder that I am rich. I own a car, I have a roof over my head (larger than 6x8 ft), I can drink my tap water, I get to eat everyday and I don't have to worry about a preventable disease taking my life. I am rich. His video was also a good reminder of something else: far too often my perspective shifts from seeing and helping people around me...to me, my stuff and wanting more stuff. I want the others focused perspective to permeate my heart and mind. That is my prayer tonight...when I forget and get wrapped up in me, please Lord pull me back to loving and giving to those around me.

Our church requested 75 packets from one specific area in Peru for our Compassion Sunday. At the end of the day there were only 18 packets left over. Another of my expectations was far, far exceeded. Our church on average has around 300 people in attendance and my heart was overflowing with praise that God touched that many people in our church to sponsor.

I chose a little girl from the Peru packets to sponsor. I'll introduce you to her in a later post. Because our church plans to do some short term missions trips to the area our sponsored children are from I'm already praying for the incredible opportunity it would be to meet her.

Because You Only Need A Speck

2009-04-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

Of HOPE that is.

God's been talking to me about hope a lot this week. It started at small group Monday night. A woman who had pretty big, real reasons to give up hope shared her story of trust and forgiveness. I was moved. I have a current situation where I just want to get frustrated and give up and walk away and her story stopped those feelings cold. I found myself praying while she spoke that God would show me how to love those that are frustrating me. I felt the Lord telling me to be faithful and have hope that He would guide me.

The second dose of "Have Hope" came this morning in my quiet time. I'm doing a Beth Moore Study and we are on that sweet day that Jesus came back to life and appeared to his disciples and nearly every verse was about hope. If you know Beth Moore studies then you understand the amount of verses this included.

Third lesson on hope came this morning in chapel. Jim Mellado, president of the Willow Creek Association spoke about his near death experience 2 summers ago and how each 'step of survival' illustrated the various steps of hope in our life. It was moving and powerful. He told us hope specializes in dead end situations. While I believe that, I still think I have a good amount of hope without having really experienced what I would consider dead end situations. When you are in those situations it's important to choose the right direction and then just start moving. God will provide more hope as you start moving, He'll provide grace and resources and direction to keep you going...but you have to start moving. Jim asked us "What we were about to give up on?" and I was instantly reminded of the same situations I thought of during small group Monday night.

Okay, okay, God, I get it. Either my hope has been fading and I wasn't aware of it...or God is prepping me for a situation where my hope might be challenged. But I am totally aware that this is my area to mediate on this week...

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no on can fathom. he gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

Because He Has Risen!

2009-04-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today marks a pivotal day in Jesus' life. He fulfilled his promise and the teachings of the profits, He changed what the people thought of Him, He conquered sin, death and hell by defeating Satan and rising from the dead 3 days after His crucifixion. He did it to save His people (who believe in Him) from not having to experience hell...and He did it for Me and for You because that is what Agape Love is.

This morning as I peered out the front window to yet another snow storm...

My first thought was a line from the hymn "Nothing But the Blood" of how Jesus' blood washes us white as snow. Clensed from the stains that sin leaves by Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. What a beautiful reminder, Jesus! Thank you Lord for having that kind of Love for mankind.

Nothing But the Blood

by Robert Lowry

What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus;

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Refrain
Oh! precious is the flow

That makes me white as snow;

No other fount I know,

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Because He's Growing So Fast

2009-04-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, my world brightened...my heart was taken by the sweet little face of

Cameron Myles

Today, Cam Cam (as I sometimes call him) is turning 3. He is such a loving and inquisitive little boy. I wish I could be at his little birthday party but I am happy I had the opportunity to listen to his 'oos' and 'aahs' and 'oh mys' over the phone as he opened his gifts. His presents were reflective of most of his favorite things: Thomas the Train, John Deere, and Minnesota Twins.

He has so much life ahead of him (God willing) and today on his birthday I pray that as he lives that life he eventually becomes a man of integrity, who is passionate, caring and self-less. I pray that he grows to love the Lord and desires to live his life for Him. I hope he keeps his child-like playfulness and always loves with hope and abandon. He is a blessing!

Our phone calls often end with:

Cameron: Bye
Me: Bye , little man

Cameron: Love you

Me: Love you too

Cameron: Love you too

Because Making Good Choices is Hard

2009-04-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

In all of life really...but in particular in the area of food. I feel like I have spent most of my life being displeased with my nutrition and fitness choices (because I wasn't really choosing nutrition and fitness period). A year ago, I got very serious about the fitness side though. It's made a huge difference from just being able to keep up with friends, to changing clothing sizes, to being able to run a 5K. The nutrition side sort of just came along without a huge amount of work. I counted some calories and chose more fruits and veggies over other stuff.

However about 4 months ago I got tired of counting calories and a little switch in my head flipped to where I started telling myself "you work out...you should be able to eat whatever you want to". That's probably true if I wanted to maintain where I had arrived but I don't want to maintain where I am right now and I was fooling myself into thinking that the nutrition side would be easy. All that to say, I've been 'stuck' at this point for a while so I've decided to go back to counting calories.

It's a little bit eye opening to count calories. Last night my roommate made our favorite Pumpkin Bran Muffins. We can seriously eat like 12 of these in 5 days or less, no foolin. They are so good and falsely seem healthy because they have flax seed, wheat flour, and wheat bran in them. Last night I decided I should know what the calories are on these things...it's 299 per muffin. Whoa, I don't think I would have guessed that because I was so sure they were healthy. Well, we have discussed doing some substitutions to try to make them a bit more healthy next time. If we substitute applesauce for the oil, splenda or some other no calorie sweetener for the sugar and cut the chocolate chips in half we can save almost 100 calories per muffin.

I feel like this week has been a turning point for me...like I'm back on the nutrition saddle so to speak. I'm planning to run a 2nd 5K in a couple weeks and a 10K at the end of May. My roommate wanted to go out of town for my birthday and I sort of turned her down because I want to run a 5K that weekend too (now there's a new side of me...choosing running over a fun mountain trip).

Because It's In Your Face

2009-04-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not a student but I still took a Spring Break this year. Myself, Christy, Melissa and Melissa's Mom all headed to Washington, D.C. for a week. I had never been and I must say that I was quite impressed. I kept feeling more and more patriotic as the week went on...it's really hard not to. It's in your face (at least when you hang out at all the touristy, historical locations). It's not that I'm not patriotic now but I realize there's a lot I don't know about the founding of this nation and the men and women who have led it over the years. It made me want to read books about our presidents and history books about all the wars we have been involved in (since each one has a memorial).

I thought D.C. was beautiful. I only felt unsafe one time (I expected more since I had heard that the crime rate is really high). I look forward to visiting again someday. Oh, and I thought the time of year we were there was wonderful...temps were great for me (I dislike getting too hot), it rained a few days but nothing too major and the Cherry Blossom Festival started while we were there.

Here's a few photos of the week.

Arlington National Cemetary

WWII Memorial with the Washington Monument

in the background.

Cherry Blossoms with Jefferson Memorial

in the background.

Because She's Following the Lord

2009-04-03T15:40:00.001-07:00

My friend Becky is leaving for Thailand tomorrow.

She's going to be there for 3 months. I think it will be a long 3 months for me...I really love spending time with her. We've been friends for around 5 years now and the thing that first brought us together was our love of missions. She was the missions leader of the young adult class I was in at church. It was like my 4th time attending the class and I thought 'I need to meet people, I love missions, I'm joining the missions team'. Thus starts an amazing friendship. We've shared a lot over the last 5 years.

I write about Becky today because I am extremely proud of her. I'm proud of her because she felt her life getting too comfortable and saw that the Lord was moving her on to something new. At the time she had no clue what that 'something new' was but she sold her house, let her job know she'd be quitting when she figured out the 'something new' and started her search for God's next thing for her. It's been several months of prayer, searching and wise counsel and the Lord has led her to Thailand.

Becky is an amazing woman of God. The organizations she will be serving with in Thailand will know that about her right away. I am fairly sure that God has some incredible experiences planned for her while she is in Thailand. I share with you my friend Becky's great adventure because I love her and I'm proud of her. If you want to follow along on her journey feel free to check out her blog (Becky...if you read this I hope you don't mind I passed your blog along, I love you!).

Because I'm Not Who I Want to Be

2009-03-20T07:19:00.001-07:00

It's only 8:00 a.m. and I've been reminded several times today that I'm not who I want to be (yet).

Sadly my quiet times have been sparse lately...until this week. I've been struggling on several fronts and I knew the ONLY thing that would make a difference was spending time with the Lord. So every morning this week, during breakfast, instead of turning on the news (so depressing anyway) I opened my Bible. The Lord met me there at the breakfast table and my heart has been overflowing.

This morning I opened up to Colossians. I've actually read Colossians 3:17 everyday this week...I NEEDED that reminder that everything I do is for the Lord. In fact a friend shared it with me Monday at small group and I've meditated on it everyday since. Well this morning I decided to broaden my look in Colossians and started reading at 3:1. When I got to verses 12-14...I had to read them several time and let them wash over me. I feel so many of my struggles right now revolve around not following God's directions for his 'chosen people'.

Colossians 3:12-14 "Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. FORGIVE as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

I'm not there right now. So many people I interact with on a daily basis don't seem to be there right now and I prayed and prayed this morning that God would get us there.

Then on my way to work I popped in Switchfoot. 'This is Your Life' is song 2 on the CD and the chorus chimes over and over are you who you want to be.

My heart cried out 'no'. The good part is that even though I don't exemplify the characteristics of God's chosen people (all the time) and even though I am not who I want to be...I'm still chosen and God loves me. He loves me with a sacrificial, Agape love that I don't understand all the time but I am forever, forever grateful for.

The Lord has met me this week. I didn't expect any different but before this week I was not doing my part. I think I'll continue to have breakfast with Him next week...the time with Him was precious.

Happy Friday! Are you who you want to be?

Because God Created Them

2009-03-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

Another installment of "I love Tanzania" here...

The key ministry of Compassion is child development through sponsorship in which we partner with a local churches who carry out our programs. While on my sponsor tour in Tanzania I was able to visit 5 of these child development projects. I was so impressed with each and every one of them I couldn't believe the amazing things I was seeing.

Each project I visited had an individual book on each child recording various educational, health and social information including copies of every letter the child had written to their sponsor. Another impressive aspect of each project is the way the project partnered with the pastor and church. The pastor was proud of the work the Compassion project was doing and was excited to share in the success that the church and Compassion together were having in the community.

At each project we'd hear testimonies from sponsored children and parents of what being part of Compassion meant to them. It was such a wonderful experience to hear the joy and hope in their stories and to know that being a sponsor means I get to help give that joy and hope to my sponsored children.

Probably the hardest part of each project visit and yet my favorite part were the home visits we went on. That deserves it's own post...so I'll talk about it later.

Each of the project workers we met were passionate about their jobs, gentle and caring as they talked about specific children in their project and dedicated to the work the Lord had called them to. It was inspiring to me as there are definitely days where I don't feel the passion and dedication that I want to. When I hit those days...Tanzania project workers will be on my mind.

Here's a few of my favorite pics from the projects I visited.

Because I Did It (with encouragement of course)

2009-03-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

That's right people...I ran a 5K. I ran the whole thing! Around mile 2 I was thinking it would be nice to walk...when my running buddy started telling me "look how far we have come, you are totally going to make it. You're not going to have to walk...you're doing awesome!" and I didn't really feel like I could answer with "can we walk now?"

My running buddies Karyn and Becky.
First 5K for all of us.

I met the challenge head on and the Lord gave me strength and perseverance...and a running buddy who didn't care how slow we went. I'm so excited that I finished the 5K but even more so that I didn't have to walk. Six months ago...I wouldn't have been able to do this. I'm amazed at how far I have come.

I did feel like I was running incredibly slow (I think it turned out to be 12.9 minutes/mile). Probably most annoying were the speed walkers...who were in front of me. Another small annoyance were the "run/walkers." I would pass them when they were walking and then they'd run by me for like a block and then they'd walk again...and I'd pass them again. Take that times 20 and that was a big part of the race for me.

So, now I'm looking forward to improving my time and looking for the next raise. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement and running companionship. I could have never done this on my own.

Finished! Thanks Karyn!

Because I Registered

2009-03-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago I registered for the St. Patrick's Day 5K race scheduled for tomorrow morning. I figured if I registered for it (paid the money) then I couldn't back out...cause I'm Dutch and we don't pay for things we aren't going to use or follow through with. I've done my best to 'train' for this 5K but I don't think I have yet run 3 miles without stopping.

Something I didn't factor into the mix well was my recent, amazing trip to Tanzania. Tanzania is at sea level and other than walking and the few times I chose the stairs over the elevator...I was not 'training' while I was there. Coming back was a bit of a shockon the lungs and body.

I did have a great running session with my roommate yesterday. She's very encouraging and doesn't mind that my pace is unbelievably slow (let's hope my friend Karyn running with me tomorrow doesn't mind either). We started with a 3 minute run, then a 4 minute run, then a 5, then a 6, then 8, then 11 with 1 minute to 1.5 minute walk in between. I felt very good at the end and a small part of me wonders if I might be able to run the entire 5K tomorrow? I don't want to bank on it because I don't want to get frustrated and disappointed if/when I have to walk. So if it happens it will just be a cherry on top of an already very yummy sundae. That little metaphor is in honor of the fact that I'm already planning my first food intake after the race is going to be ice cream!

So, if you think about it tomorrow morning...say a little prayer. Truthfully I am amazed that I can even run 11 minutes straight. I have come a long way and if I'm unable to run my entire first 5K...no problem, gives me something to work for on the next one and the future ones, cause the first one will not be the last.

Because She's Amazing

2009-03-09T12:59:00.001-07:00

First of all, thank you for your prayers. My trip to Tanzania was incredible. I had no clue what to expect so you can imagine that my expectations were exceeded over and over. Tanzania is a beautiful country and our country staff there are so great! I'm still processing and hope to share many stories with you but for the first installment I wanted to tell you how totally special my sponsored child, Agnesi is. By far the best part of my trip was getting to meet her.

I boarded the bus on Thursday morning with anticipation and a little anxiety. Will she recognize me? Will I recognize her? Will she like me? Will we connect and have fun or spend the day stairing at each other? I was praying the whole bus ride. I couldn't believe the day I had waited for for 6 years was actually here. We pulled into the parking lot and some of the kids were already there, I wasn't sure if she was or not. I worked my way through the crowd and watched as the kids recognized their sponsors. I knew I would recognize her eyes and kept trying to look some of the young ladies in the eyes. Then, I saw her, she was looking at me and although a part of me wasn't quite sure, most of me knew it was her. She was a few feet from me and I said her name "Agnesi? Agnesi?". She smiled and shook her head yes and gave me a huge hug. I hugged her back, and held in the tears (I didn't want to scare her right off the bat).

We moved off into the grass, pulled up some plastic white deck chairs and spent the morning looking at pictures I had brought her and talking (through her project worker that translated for us). She is so beautiful. She had a lovely baby blue dress on, her eyes shinning. When we sat, she sat close with her hand on my arm, when we walked she held my hand, when we stood she'd lean against me with her head on my shoulder. It was our first ever meeting but it was as if she was my little sister and we were instantly comfortable with each other. Praise the Lord (Bwana Asifiwe in swahili). The Lord had bound our hearts before we even met.

I can tell you that the day went far too quickly and I did cry at the end. She is a precious jewel and meeting her has touched my heart in ways I never imagined it would. I think about her all the time now and try to imagine what she's doing. My prayers for her seem more connected and relevant than they were before. I will be a different sponsor than I was before. Each letter will be different, each word of encouragement more specific. Every time I tell someone else about Compassion and sponsorship will be a testament of her life and of all the Lord is doing in her. I'm so grateful I get to be a part of it.

She's amazing and even though I told her she was, I don't know that she believes it, so I will keep telling her as often as I can and I'm already thinking about and planning for the next time I can go visit her.

Because Tanzania Awaits

2009-02-20T10:47:00.001-08:00

I leave tomorrow. I can hardly believe the time has come. My prayer for the past 2 weeks has been that God will give me eyes like His to see this land and His people the way He sees them. I've also been praying for a heart like His so that I can love (those on my tour and those I meet in Tanzania) the way He loves them. I've been listening to a song whose chorus has been my prayer:

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Brandon Heath Lyrics - Give Me Your Eyes

Please continue to join me in praying (praying my luggage isn't over weight too...I have so much I want to bring for them).

I hope to have some stories to share when I return of how God gave me His eyes and heart for Tanzania.

Because in 12 Days I Travel to Tanzania

2009-02-10T08:00:00.001-08:00

I have been looking forward to this very trip for years (5 to be exact). When I started working at Compassion I found out about the anniversary trips that employees are blessed with every 5 years of working here. As you may remember I've been here 6 (they didn't have a trip to Tanzania last year). The first trip is supposed to be to a Central American country but I've been sponsoring Agnesi the longest and so I 'bought up'. I've been paying for this trip since last September and I can't believe I leave on the trip in 12 days.

I've been praying for my sponsored children and writing them letters, I've seen pictures and videos of other sponsors who have met their children and I'm so excited I'll have the opportunity to meet one of mine.

It's hitting me this week how close the trip is and I'm going to take the next 12 days to pray ('12 to Tanzania') that God prepares my heart for what I'll see and experience. I'm going to pray that God opens my eyes to see this country and these children the way He sees them. I pray God breaks down barriers that would keep me from experiencing everything he wants to show me. I want this trip to change my life and rock my world (not just for a few days when I return but life-long changes). I want God to use me on this trip to show His love to those I meet. Please join me in these prayers and pray while I'm gone too (Feb. 21- Mar. 4).

Here's Agnesi Yohana Humay when I started sponsoring her 5 years ago.

Here she is today...she just turned15 years old.

And, just because I want you to meet him too...here's Saintillen who I sponsor from Haiti. He will turn 20 this year and shares a birthday with my nephew who will turn 3 this year.

Because I'm Addicted

2009-02-09T07:11:00.000-08:00

Recently I have had a very difficult time avoiding chocolate...it's like it has some sort of power over me, and it's not like I eat one peace and go on with my day (meaning I eat several pieces and then my stomach starts screaming at me). I don't know why chocolate has me in its power but I would love to prove (to the chocolate and myself) that I do actually have self-control.

This relationship with chocolate may be a reason I've been 'stuck' at this weight for like a month. I'm working out like a mad woman (most days) and yet my weight just stays the same. I refuse to believe this is where my body must stay and so I need something drastic to kick start the losing again.

So for this week no chocolate and no candy. The one exception will be Valentine's Day on Saturday. I'll allow myself some chocolate on that day, if an occasion presents itself.

I ran on Sunday again...I was so pumped because I thought I did so well on Saturday and then I could only run a little over 1/2 a mile before needing to walk. I still did over 3 miles total but it took me 50 minutes because I walked quite a bit.

Because I want to be able to call myself a runner...someday

2009-02-07T19:19:00.000-08:00

I joined the Colorado Running Company's running group this morning. I must say, I was a bit intimadated when I arrived and saw the other runners. They were real runners...spandex, Nikes and all, I felt like an imposter. But I was not about to chicken out...I knew it was a risk, but it was one I needed to take. Thankfully my friend, Katie came with me. I couldn't have done as well without her support. We 'ran' (with some walking too) 3 miles. No, I didn't run the whole thing but I ran more then I walked and I didn't let the 'real' runners intimidate me.

I think I'm on my way to being a runner...5K here I come. The group I ran with was so encouraging too, I don't know what I was afraid of.

Because 'Real Food' means not packaged

2009-02-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

I'm on 'Week 3' of the 9 for 2009 program. A quick update: 1. I've lost a little weight but I'm not sure I'll make my 18 pound goal at the rate I'm going. 2. I am going to go run with a local women's running club this Saturday to help me continue to get ready for the 5K. On a related note a wonderful co-worker of mine gave me her heart rate monitor. Last night was my first time using it, but I totally love it. I think the heart rate monitor will revolutionize my workouts (at least that's what I'm hoping for)

Anyway, the book we are supposed to read is good, although I've learned most of this stuff in other books in the past. I'm finding that the best foods for you are those that do not come in a package. One statement in the book just confirmed that for me. The author was talking about nutritionism (a word the author made up I think) and the fact that cucumbers, carrots, apples and broccoli do not come with nutrition labels on them while packaged foods tell you up and down the package that their food actually has the nutrition in it.

Case in point: my cereal box has all sorts of nutrition info on it...my grapefruit does not.

Because you don't really need a reason for cake

2009-01-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

But today there was one. Today marked my official Compassion anniversary. I have worked at Compassion know for 6 years. It's actually been a little longer but my time as an On-Call Worker does not count towards my official anniversary. I honestly wouldn't be able to tell you my exact first official day working at Compassion but I put it on my outlook calendar to remind myself (as a reoccurring event).

To my wonderful surprise my team wowed me this year. I say surprise because we don't actually celebrate anniversaries usually (now if it was my birthday I probably would have been expecting something). Today was an exception. At our team lunch to celebrate the Regional HR Directors my boss said some super nice things about me and presented me with a gift, a card (that my whole team had signed...good thing Compassion Store now sells greeting cards) and a cake. I didn't know what to say and actually had I tried to talk at that point I probably would have gotten emotional.

I LOVE working at Compassion. It is a blessing that the Lord called me here and I get to work in a way that millions of children around the world are blessed with opportunities and hope through Jesus Christ. My co-workers are truly a blessing and they made me feel very special today.

With my cake...it was very good.

My boss, Luis (and Dawit got in the picture too).

This is me with the other Carmen H. on my team. We worked specifically together for about a year and a half and I'm grateful for everything I learned from her!
I will miss her when she leaves Compassion.

And here are the Regional HR Directors (and Dawit representing John Q) right before we played laser tag. This week has been full of fun times with them. We had some great opportunities to talk through projects and procedures and to discuss initiatives for the next year. However, I feel the best part that came out of our Forum with them is that we had so much fun together!! Yet, again, more people that make working at Compassion such a blessing.

In case you are wondering the red team beat the blue team (I was blue team) but only because Dawit (also blue team) kept shooting blue team members. I guess we forgot to tell him he should be shooting the red team...

Kingston, Dawit, myself, MJ, Robert, Luis, & David

Because it's a new year

2009-01-20T18:23:00.000-08:00

9 for 2009...that's the name of the kick start, life change, 12-week program that my training studio is putting on. It's 9 people: reading this book, putting the concepts into action, working out, getting enough rest, and rejuvenating our spiritual lives. It's mostly an on-line accountability group but I'm really looking forward to what this will do to 'kick start' the year. I did okay over Christmas and New Years but since being home, it has been hard to get back to my good habits, good choices, strong-self. Well, this will help me get back.

Just so you can help keep me accountable too...here's my goals for the next 12 weeks:

run a 5K (actually run the whole thing)
lose 18 pounds
write in my food journal every day except when I'm out of the country
journal my journey 4 times a week (either on paper with pen or here)

Here we go!!

Because Scarves are Fashion Forward

2009-01-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

I was so happy I got to visit my friend, Missy while I was back in Iowa for Christmas. I love hanging out with her.

While we were running around town she took me to this great store and told me to pick out a scarf (her Christmas present to me). I found one I liked and we checked out. While Missy was paying for the scarf, I casually asked the sales girl if she knew any other cool scarf ties and she taught us 3 new ones. Since I'm wearing the scarf today I thought I'd just take a few pictures of the new ties and pass them on to you.

First let me remind you of the Euro (not sure if that's the real name but that's what the sales girl called it). Most of us know this one.

Well you can build on the Euro very easily by just hooking one of the scarf ends through and then wrapping the other scarf end through the other way (clear as mud I'm sure). She called this on the Euro Faux.

Then came the Buckaroo. Sort of like a 4-knot tie a little complicated as you watch someone doing it but once I tried it myself (and okay with some assistance from Missy the first couple times), I've got it down now. The scarf Missy was wearing in the store was so long that the sales woman made a Double Buckaroo in hers...intense.

Last is what she called the Turtleneck. I doubt I'll wear this one much as it feels like a choke hold (or so I would imagine a choke hold to feel. And definitely I wouldn't wear it with a V-neck. I think this photo makes me look like I have a neck brace on and I'm trying to cover it up with a scarf.

So, I'm way excited to wear scarves for the rest of the winter. If you know of other ties, let me know.

Because ChristWas Love

2008-12-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

I got this story from a co-worker this week and love that it's true (or so the author claims at the bottom) and reminds me that God can show Himself in any situation.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Love

Each December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience. I had cut back on nonessential obligations - extensive card writing, endless baking, decorating, and even overspending. Yet still, I found myself exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family moments, and of course, the true meaning of Christmas. My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season for a six year old. For weeks, he'd been memorizing songs for his school's "Winter Pageant." I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd be working the night of the production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher. She assured me there would be a dress rehearsal the morning of the presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then. Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise. So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in 10 minutes early, found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats. As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song. Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday as "Christmas", I didn't expect anything other than fun, commercial entertainment - songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer. So, when my son's class rose to sing, "Christmas Love", I was slightly taken aback by its bold title.

Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy mittens, red sweaters, and bright snowcaps upon their heads. Those in the front row - center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song.

As the class would sing "C is for Christmas", a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy", and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love".

The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her - a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M" upside down - totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W".

The audience of 1st through 6th graders snickered at this little one's mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall, proudly holding her "W".

Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter continued until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together. A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen. In that instant, we understood - the reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear: CHRIST WAS LOVE. And, I believe, He still is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By Candy Chand (c) Copyright 1998 This is from Candy Chand's book of miraculous true stories, "Under God's Wings".

Candy says: "This happened when my son was in Kindergarten. There were a few hundred people in the audience - teachers, kids and a few parents, who saw this happen. The school is North Country Elementary School in Antelope, California, where we used to live."

Because Certification Shows Competency

2008-12-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

I took the Professional Human Resource (PHR) Certification exam last week and PASSED! This in itself is quite amazing because the test was very hard. Almost every question I was thinking "what...what are they asking me here, this makes no sense" and then I'd pick what I thought was the best answer. So you can imagine that by the time I finished the 225 questions I was almost certain of failure. I marked about 20 quesitons that I wanted to go back to but chose to leave most of those with my first answer (something I learned during my practice exams as everytime I'd change something it ended up being my first guess).

Friends and family have been asking me "now that your certified to you get a pay raise". The answer is 'no'. Now that I'm certified I get the satisfaction of knowing that I am competent in Human Resources (funny because the whole test I was pretty sure I was anything but competent) and if I want to can use the PHR letters behind my name.

So, 1 boot camp class (5 days, 8-hours a day with HR professionals and lawyers as teachers), 6 'text books', numerous parties and fun skipped to study, toting about 100 photocopied pages up a mountian in my backpack to study and 2 full days of practice tests and vocab quizes later...I can now call myself a human resoureces professional. Woot woot!

Because the Biggest Loser is NOT Real

2008-12-09T19:49:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong, I love watching the Biggest Loser...it is very motivating, but it's not real and sometimes it makes me feel bad about myself. Ridiculous. I've done a great job (not every day...but overall) and I should not feel bad about what I have accomplished but watching them lose 6, 7 or 9 pounds in just one week makes me feel a little disappointed in my hard work to just maintain this week.

What I mean by 'not real' is that the contestents have 8 plus hours a day for just working out and I'm guessing there aren't a lot of baked goods in their kitchen or chocolate on their neighbors desk (just a few of the temptations I face daily). What I mean by 'not real' is that they have 24 hour support from those around them and really nothing else to 'worry' about but losing weight.

I still love watching...it's still motivating, and a little self-attitude check and I'm back to cheering myself on and slowly plugging away at my goals. I bought jeans in a regular store this weekend. I don't remember the last time I did that...

Here's my pick for winner...one more week to the finale.

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/photos/#cat=1293&sec=2468&mea=55140

Because Eight Months Ago I Could Only Run One Minute

2008-12-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

And today I ran for 30 minutes straight (at my pace it was a little over 2 miles).

I should probably start this post by letting you know I will likely often write about my journey to health, which includes fitness, nutrition, weight loss, rest...to name a few. I've always wanted to 'get healthy' and be able to keep up with my friends and this past April I finally made the decision. It's a HUGE part of my life right now and hopefully forever. The decision in April came about because I found out that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and without going into all the details the scariest part for me was that it gives me a greater chance of diabetes and heart disease (and various other things). About 1 in 10 women have this and there's no cure...the best way to manage it is by losing weight (if you are obese) and through diet and excercise.

Anyway, I've worked my butt off the last 8 months (literally) and daily I'm more and more amazed at what my body can do. I knew I needed a lot of accountability on the fitness side of things so I got a personal trainer. Why did I wait so long to get healthy? So back to today...I ran for 30 minutes! Straight, without stopping. I think I could have kept going too but when I hit 30 I got so excited and loss focus and had to stop. It's the longest I've run so far. Ultimately I'd like to be able to run a 5K...slowly but surely I'll get there.

I'll share some before and after photos later. I'm waiting for another big milestone soon to come...so you'll have to wait.

Because of Michelle

2008-12-04T20:36:00.001-08:00

I LOVE reading blogs, sometimes when I should be doing other things, so on a whim I thought I'd start one. However after my first post...I was lost. I know nothing about writing a blog but what I have observed from others. Thankfully I didn't announce to everyone I know that I was a blogger and almost the same day I made my first post, I moved on (kept reading other's, just didn't write any more of my own). But yesterday in my normal blog check I ended up at my friend Michelle's blog. I noticed she had put links to other blogs along the side of hers and I started clicking through. I noticed some people I knew (more blogs to read) and got to the last one on her list titled "Because". I clicked and was surprised to see it was my own (I hadn't even remembered what I named my blog-pathetic I know). Well, it inspired me. Even if she's the only one that might read...I should at least try it.

So, this particular post is in honor of Michelle. May it be only the start of my blogger life.

This is Michelle, Amy and I at our 5-year college reunion (Oct. 2007).