Sabotage

Thank you to all of you for your encouragement as I share pretty personal feelings here. You have given me the courage to keep going.

I've been thinking a lot about sabotage lately. I sometimes wonder if I sabotage my own weight loss...like I'm afraid of reaching my goal. I'll have a great day and then I will drive out of my way to buy something I shouldn't eat...and then eat way too much of it. I carry around my gym bag like it's an oxygen tank I need to survive but at the slightest thought about not wanting to work out...I'm done. Gym bag in car, butt on couch. I was journaling the other day about why I want to lose weight and the truth is...I see myself as a skinny person. I see myself running races and participating in marathons. I see myself in a strapless dress or super cute jeans. I see myself married to an athletic, out-doorsy, man of God...but my weight holds me back from those things. I can't imagine that the type of guy I see myself with would see himself with someone like me...

I want to lose weight because I feel like it will make life a bit easier...but truth is if there is some reason I'm sabotaging then actually losing the weight may not solve my issues. Now comes the tricky part...figuring out what those issues are and why I do the things I do to block myself from getting to my goal.

The other thing that makes me think about sabotage is the woman on my team who is on a super strict diet and exercise plan and probably down 25 pounds from her already super skinny frame, bringing in donuts last week. Seriously?

Weight Today: 229 (down 1 pound but it's up and down a lot lately)

Bad Food Choices: About 6 fun size candy bars today at work. Two donuts on Sunday (I guess I was making up for the fact that avoided donuts at work last week).

Good Food Choices: Kept my portions under control this weekend.

Activity: Using a free YMCA pass this week and working out with my aunt. I worked out yesterday and tonight...feeling good.

Emotional step: Saw a counselor last week and finally admitted out load to someone how unhappy I am with my inability to lose weight. Not sure she can really help me figure out my issues but why not try.

God is Faithful

I'm sad this week in light of the event in Haiti...but I also believe that God is a God of miracles. We may not get to hear those as much as we'll hear the heart break and pain and some we may never know but He is faithful and He is love.

In our sadness we must still find a way to hope and trust Him. Cry out to Him on behalf of your brothers and sisters in Haiti.

If you're look'in for a way to contribute I have one suggestion:

On a separate note, thanks for your support as I seek change in my weight and health habits...that's what will help me succeed.

Weight Today: Still 230

Bad Food Choices: Yesterday I had an incredible day until I got to youth group and someone had made no-bake chocolate oatmeal cookies. I love them. I need to figure out how to be in a room with food I love and not get out of control.

Good Food Choices: Breakfast, lunch and dinner were all nutritious yesterday and I drank tons of water.

Activity: Not so much.

Emotional step: Writing in my journal.

2010: A Year to Tell the Truth

This is going to be the year of truth.

First truth, I'm overweight. Sometimes friends and family will try to tell me that I'm not, but the truth is, I am.

For years now I have watched the Biggest Loser and wished I could have the results in my own journey that they get. Every season I see the first weigh in and am faced with the fact that I weigh the same as some of them do that first weigh in. I don't want to, I want to be 'normal' and healthy, strong and fit, I want to be active and skinny...but working towards getting those things has been so hard.

I've been overweight most of my life. I try to put on a happy face, just live my life (not letting the weight stop me from doing things) but I'm not happy when it comes to how I look and feel. Truth is I'm often sad to the point of tears over it.

I know exactly what I need to do to lose the weight and have even done it at times...but for some reason I often sabotage and choose not to do what I know I should. For some reason I'm holding on to the weight. This year I want to find out why and move beyond whatever I'm holding on to.

Sometimes I choose to eat only chocolate for lunch and then stop for fast food on the way home. At times I buy and eat an entire box of chocolate cupcakes in one evening. I'm always on a diet yet rarely do I tell my friends and family "no, I'm not eating that". I always figure I can make up for today's bad choice tomorrow (but tomorrow I make more bad choices).

I pack clothes to go to the gym EVERY single day but in the last 3 months I have probably only been there a few times each month.

I know that working out and eating right will get me the results I want but I just don't do it. Every day I'm going to tell you about this journey...so I guess if you don't want to know you should probably just avoid coming to my blog.

Weight Today: 230
Bad Food Choices: 1/2 a loaf of pumpkin bread throughout the morning, chocolate frosting at lunch time, Taco bell for lunch
Good Food Choice: turkey chili and broccoli for dinner
Work Out: 20 minute BOSU workout
Emotional Step: Made an appointment with a counselor

Here's to being honest in 2010 and hopefully ending this year in a much better place physically and emotionally.

Saving The Planet

One tree at a time...

From the rabbits.

Happy New Year!!