Sabotage

Thank you to all of you for your encouragement as I share pretty personal feelings here. You have given me the courage to keep going.

I've been thinking a lot about sabotage lately. I sometimes wonder if I sabotage my own weight loss...like I'm afraid of reaching my goal. I'll have a great day and then I will drive out of my way to buy something I shouldn't eat...and then eat way too much of it. I carry around my gym bag like it's an oxygen tank I need to survive but at the slightest thought about not wanting to work out...I'm done. Gym bag in car, butt on couch. I was journaling the other day about why I want to lose weight and the truth is...I see myself as a skinny person. I see myself running races and participating in marathons. I see myself in a strapless dress or super cute jeans. I see myself married to an athletic, out-doorsy, man of God...but my weight holds me back from those things. I can't imagine that the type of guy I see myself with would see himself with someone like me...

I want to lose weight because I feel like it will make life a bit easier...but truth is if there is some reason I'm sabotaging then actually losing the weight may not solve my issues. Now comes the tricky part...figuring out what those issues are and why I do the things I do to block myself from getting to my goal.

The other thing that makes me think about sabotage is the woman on my team who is on a super strict diet and exercise plan and probably down 25 pounds from her already super skinny frame, bringing in donuts last week. Seriously?

Weight Today: 229 (down 1 pound but it's up and down a lot lately)

Bad Food Choices: About 6 fun size candy bars today at work. Two donuts on Sunday (I guess I was making up for the fact that avoided donuts at work last week).

Good Food Choices: Kept my portions under control this weekend.

Activity: Using a free YMCA pass this week and working out with my aunt. I worked out yesterday and tonight...feeling good.

Emotional step: Saw a counselor last week and finally admitted out load to someone how unhappy I am with my inability to lose weight. Not sure she can really help me figure out my issues but why not try.