Worth It?

I have been dreading writing this post and dragging my feet, wishing I didn't have to tell you the things I'm going to tell you (but part of this journey is focusing on honesty). Today marks day 17 of this 30 day journey and unfortunately I have felt like a failure since Saturday. I hesitate in even writing that last sentence because Saturday marked a very monumental day for a very good reason...I worked out. Thanks to my friend inviting me and picking me up, we did not let the snow deter us from our mission and so my first spin class in many, many months was completed and I signed up for a new gym membership at Villa. Of the last 4 days, that work out (and the 2 others that have followed it) has made me very happy.

The disappointment: I jumped out of my exercise rut and right into the bad eating one. Friday night I made flax meal bread, it's not made with grains and has the consistency of corn bread. It's green in color. I tried my first piece with butter and didn't like the flavor. I decided to put strawberry/rhubarb jam on my second piece (strawberry/rhubarb jam has sugar listed as the 3rd ingredient). Unfortunately my diet was very imbalanced all day Saturday. I only ate the flax meal bread and jam for breakfast and lunch so while I was doing a little work at the office hat afternoon I found the despised candy jar of my co-worker and indulged in 4 snack size candy bars (the first trip to that candy jar in at least 14 days). I then ate more of the flax meal bread and jam for dinner and of course around 9:30 p.m. my body (not receiving much in terms of nutrition ) was screaming for 'food'. I quickly decided I was in need of Taco Bell (quickly so I wouldn't change my mind)...thus the spiral starts.

Sunday started out well enough but a bridal shower tempted me with cake and a cookie (of which I ate both and loved them)...thinking I had really thrown away my whole weekend I opted for one more stop at Taco Bell (I'm not proud of choosing fast food 2 night in a row). Monday seem to be good, Tuesday I had pig in the blankets and ketchup as well as cereal for dinner and this morning, a bagel with cream cheese.

I'm trying not to let these bad choices get me down but they are already reflected on the scale. I end up questioning whether this whole eating plan is really worth it. I have to fight and fight and fight to drop my weight by 5 pounds and a few (what I thought were minor) slip ups and the weight quickly and easily goes back up.

I'm not quite as sad as I was last week but I'm still struggling some in that area too. I decided to make an appointment for my annual physical and I'm going to ask them to check my thyroid. I want to know for sure there is no specific, treatable, medical reason I'm struggling so much to lose weight and keep my emotions in check.

Weight: 229

Bad Food Choices: Taco Bell and strawberry/rhubarb jam

Good Food Choices: Eating the flax meal bread instead of store bought, regular bread

Activity: 2 spin classes and a weights class in the last 4 days

Emotional: Trying to deal with the sad feelings as they come and concentrating on viewing myself the way God views me.

The Emotional Side

The food changes I have made are going fine with very small exceptions like peanut butter (which I already confessed to and is over now that it is gone), ketchup, and Fiber One cereal. But something is going on emotionally that I did not bargain for.

I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I'm not happy. Here I thought cutting sugar out of my diet would make me healthy and happy but the fact that I am an emotional eater is ringing through loud and clear here. In the past if I was lonely I'd eat a chocolate bar...depressed, I'd stop for ice cream...unhappy, I'd make a cake. In the last two weeks I have had zero chocolate, zero ice cream and zero pieces of cake, so my emotions are getting a chance to show themselves. It's not pretty. Every day this week I have contemplated whether I could stay home and stay in bed and then realizing I had some obligation requiring my attention that could not be missed, I would finally drag myself to work.

I think this is also why I cannot seem to work out to save my life. It's difficult enough to pull myself out of bed to get to work, I have no drive leftover to do anything else, let alone work out.

So, now I am left with trying to figure out how I should deal with my emotions in a way that does not involve food. So far I got a massage and been writing in my journal as well as reading my Bible each morning. I figure my loneliness possibly stems from feeling far from God.

I'm glad I'm on this journey but I wish I had more control over it than I currently do...

Weight: 226

Bad Food Choices: Ketchup (I never realized how bad it is for you) and Fiber One Cereal (just not on program)

Good Food Choices: Skipped the chocolate cake a co-worker brought in today.

Activity: If only laying on the couch watching TV could be counted here.

Emotional Step: Continuing to pull myself out of bed each day...

I Survived Valentine's Day

I survived (as in didn't eat) the special Valentine's day cookies at church, the homemade cream puffs at my friend's house, and the heart shaped chocolate at work.

Today is day 8 of the no sugar, no grains, no bad fat eating plan. I'm finally over the head aches and overall sick feeling I was having much of last week. I feel good. I bought more food for this week and hope to try some new recipes. I tried to make chocolate macaroons this weekend but the after taste (I think from Stevia) pretty much ruins them. I attempted pancakes last night. Whole Foods does not sell coconut flour though so I ground coconut in an effort to make flour...it didn't really work and the batter didn't have the consistency of pancake batter so I added in whole wheat flour.

My biggest 'splurge' of the weekend were the several scoops of Skippy peanut butter (Skippy has sugar) one of which included some chocolate chips. I'm not beating myself up about these things because I think if that's my only bad food choice in a week...I'm doing much better than I was before starting this plan.

I'm a little bit concerned that I am not eating enough veggies and I know I am not eating enough 'meals' throughout the day...something to work on.

Weight: 228

Bad Food Choices: not eating enough veggies

Good Food Choices: Not eating all the Valentine's stuff.

Activity: Here's where I'm really struggling. I have not started the surge training yet (when I do I'll tell you all about it) and basically am just not working out. I went for a walk Saturday morning but that is not enough exercise to cover the whole weekend. I really need some motivation in this area. I think choosing a new gym, close to my home will help but I'm struggling with what gym to choose...the Y or Villa Sport.

Emotional Step: I unpacked some more boxes this weekend and found a box of old journals. I found one that was specifically about an eating and exercise plan I was on at the time. While on that plan I lost 27 pounds and then it just ended and after several blank pages was the next entry written months later and in the entry I was frustrated because I was back at my old weight. That journal was from 2005. Part of me is scared that this eating plan could end up the same way. The part of me that stomps on the scared part and lives in confidence that this plan could lead to victory...I confess is also scared but scared that I'll never again get to eat some of the foods I love. I have struggled with my weight for so long. I just need something to work and stick and have victory over this.

I Love Sleep

Finally on day 3, I'm feeling pretty good.

Ten hours of sleep last night probably helped.

Withdrawn Symptoms

I think I can safely say I know what addicts feel like when they go 'off' their drug, be it even caffeine. My drug of choice is food and specifically sweets, aka sugar. Yesterday was my first day (possibly ever) eating no sugar and I felt like crap (can I say that word here). I wasn't shaking but my head hurt all day, I had trouble putting my thoughts into words and focusing on my tasks was very difficult. I think eventually eliminating sugar is supposed to make me feel better but day 1 was not good and day 2 has started off with a head ache too.

So, what can I eat you ask (or just one of you asked)...let me tell you what I have eaten in the last 24 hours.

Yesterday Breakfast: 2 eggs, 4 pieces turkey bacon
Snack: handful of almonds
Lunch: chicken breast, black beans and salsa
Snack: homemade hummus and celery sticks (I think next time I'll buy hummus mine was gross)
Dinner: Turkey burger and sauteed onions, spinach and mushrooms (fried in coconut oil)

Today breakfast: A berry smoothie (1 scoop whey protein powder, 1 cup coconut milk, 1 cup frozen berries, 1 tsp almond butter)

Berries and apples are the only fruits I'm supposed to have.

Weight Today: 229

Bad Food Choices: Homemade hummus...it was chunky

Good Food Choices: Everything so far has been 'on plan'.

Activity: I did no activity yesterday...I hope to today but feeling this way just makes me want to sleep.

Emotional Step: It was my turn to share my story last night at Bible study. I told them all the good stuff and then I felt that I needed to tell them about my struggles too. I wanted to be real and I wanted to be transparent. I told them I have struggled with my weight my whole life and that since college I have petty much been on some kind of diet or eating plan at all times. I told them that I associate my weigh with my lack of boyfriend. I shared with them my experience trying to join a long term mission agency where weight seemed to become the reason I wasn't being chosen. I told them what God has taught me through these experiences and it felt so good to just talk about it. They prayed for me that I would have victory over this part of my life. Victory could mean that I finally lose weight and change my lifestyle to maintain it or victory could mean God brings me to a place of loving myself where I am. I felt fresh and ready to conquer the world after all of that...huge emotional win last night.

No Sugar, No Grains, No Problem

I'm trying something new.

I went to a seminar this weekend that teaches five essentials to a having a healthy disease free body and life. 1. A healthy mind 2. Proper nutrition 3. Healthy nervous system (the seminar was put on by my chiropractor) 4. Surge Training 5. Eliminate toxins.

Honestly, I have heard all of these things before in other seminars I've attended but something in me needed to try again. Something in me is so fed up with no progress that I NEED this to work. I'm taking the 30 day challenge...starting today.

First thing this morning I wrote down my Big Why (to glorify and serve God, sometimes difficult with my current lack of energy and motivation). I wrote down my new mantra "my body is a complex and intricate machine which craves hydration and healthy foods" and my goal as if it was already achieved. "I have lost 23 pounds!".

For the next 30 days I'm eliminating sugar, grains and processed foods (they contain toxins) as well as incorporating the surge training and my daily morning pep talk. I need the next 30 days to transform my body and my mind. I need something to change because I'm not headed in a good direction right now.

I'm pretty sure I won't feel good for a few days as my body goes through withdrawal. Currently I have a head ache and likely it is for lack of sugar in my system.

Weight Today: 232 (I went a little crazy yesterday knowing it was the last time for certain foods for a while.)

Bad Food Choices: None today. Tomorrow is over and I have moved on.

Good Food Choices: Following the strict eating plan, so it as so far been all god.

Activity: Tonight...treadmill and surge training.

Emotional Step: Morning pep talk...hopefully every morning.